Guys, if you're not into her, tell her straight

New York writer Liz Tuccillo, in New Zealand for a Breast Cancer Foundation fundraiser. Picture / Richard Robinson

She says: I have to interview a scriptwriter for Sex and the City who has also written a book on how women can spot (then dump) men who just aren't that into them.

He says: Ask her, if a guy is not interested in a woman, what must a woman do to get his interest?

Author Liz Tuccillo laughs and says, "That's very funny".

It may seem men and women are doomed to talk at cross-purposes.

But Tuccillo, who flew into Auckland yesterday, says it doesn't have to be that way.

Women just need to see men's behaviour for what it is.

When they leave it weeks before asking you out, don't ring as often as you might expect and fail to refer to you as their girlfriend, they are not being shy or playing hard to get. They're just not interested.

New Yorker Tuccillo co-wrote the book He's Just Not That Into You with comedian Greg Behrendt, which, as the sub-title explains, provides the "no-excuses truth to understanding guys".

It has been a runaway success and Tuccillo has been swamped with feedback from grateful women.

Men have been less enthusiastic, claiming it has ruined their love life (or should that be sex life), though others are said to be glad women are now better at taking the hint when they are being brushed off.

Tuccillo says cowardly men avoid telling women the truth - that they are not the right one for them - for fear of hurting their feelings, but end up torturing them and being hated.

A woman will misread the rather obvious clues that a man is not really interested usually because she really likes him.

"They try to convince themselves there is still hope."

Tuccillo says it is a global affliction but not very "Darwinian-smart".

If women were seeking a stable partner, they would readily recognise the behaviour of a man uninterested in commitment.

Tuccillo says women instead ignore the warning signs, she thinks in part because they fundamentally believe there are not that many good men out there.

"When they find someone they feel a spark with, they are not ready to give it up easily ... there is the sad delusion that the relationship is better than none at all."

This brings us to reports of New Zealand's man drought, which Tuccillo heard about after agreeing to come here as a special guest for the Breast Cancer Foundation's Sex and the City gala ball.

"I couldn't stop talking about this in New York. I was saying, 'You must come to New Zealand, where you're as likely to meet a man at age 35 as at age 85'."

Tuccillo says in New York, where it is notoriously hard to meet men, it used to be said a single women over 40 had as much chance of getting married as being hit in a terrorist attack. But "that was before 9/11. It's not a good thing to say anymore."

Her advice for New Zealand women concerned about the man drought is simple - leave the country, or take lots of holidays.

She acknowledges some women might find that politically incorrect but says no one would suggest staying in a village where there was no food.

Many women would claim having a man is not that important, but for a lot of women seeking love and companionship, it is, Tuccillo says.

"It's very important for women to feel attractive and be flirted with and around men who are paying attention to them."

The Sex and the City show was popular for creating a fashion of loving being single. But Tuccillo says such women do not regard it as a permanent situation.

"Women in America are very clear they want men and marriage."

Five tips to spot a man who's just not that into you:

* He's making you wait by the phone.

* You find yourself talking obsessively about him to your girlfriends.

* He doesn't want to be called your boyfriend.

* He doesn't want to see you during weekends.

* He's only happy to see you once a fortnight.