Final word: Undeniable proof of Kiwi superiority

James Griffin. Photo / Dean Purcell

I went to the New Zealand vs Australia netball test last Sunday. We lost, which was not good, but I have to confess I'd already become distracted, even before the game began. During the singing of the national anthems, in fact. What, I found myself wondering, did God Defend New Zealand and Advance Australia Fair actually say about our respective countries? And, more importantly, which anthem is the best?

So, in the spirit of transtasman competition, here is my line-by-line New Zealand vs Australia anthem smack-down:

God of nations at thy feet vs Australians all, let us rejoice.

Not a good start for the Kiwis I'm afraid, as we're already assuming a prone position and appealing to a higher power and the song's barely started. Meanwhile, the Australians, being the brash nation they are, have cut to the chase and are trying to organise a piss-up. 1-0 Australia.

In the bonds of love we meet vs for we are young and free.

Despite certain logic issues (how do you meet in a bond of love? Is it a place or a state of mind? Please clarify) and the possible light-BDSM overtones of "the bonds of love" the Kiwis make a strong comeback. Although Australia may be "young" if you've just colonised it in 1878 (when Advance Australia Fair was written), for the Aboriginal peoples who had been there for thousands of years this is just a slap in the face. Also it's kind of rude to old or even just middle-aged people like me that only the young get a mention. 1-1.

Hear our voices we entreat vs we've golden soil and wealth for toil.

If ever there were two lines that summed up the differences between our two countries, it is these two. Here we are, asking nicely to be heard, while they're skiting already about having great beaches and how rich they are. In these two lines you can see why we produced great peace-loving statesmen like David Lange and Peter Blake and they gave the world Rupert Murdoch. 2-1 New Zealand.

God defend our free land vs our home is girt by sea.

Again we're with the God thing, asking for help this time, which while being an accurate reflection of our world status and defence capabilities, is starting to make us seem kinda desperate. But seriously the word "girt", in a national anthem? You're using your national song to talk of measuring the girth of Australia and to tell the world that you've figured out you're an island? Okay, if that's what spins your wheels but to the rest of the world it seems vaguely ridiculous. 3-1 New Zealand.

Guard Pacific's triple star vs our land abounds in Nature's gifts.

A no-brainer here, because while we are (by implication) including our Pacific neighbours in our song and thus showing our awareness and sensitivity of those nations around us, the convict island with the big, fat girt is still banging on about how rich they are. Yawn. 4-1 New Zealand.

From the shafts of strife and war vs of beauty rich and rare.

Oh, for heaven's sake Australia, get over yourselves. Yes, there are many beautiful things in your lucky country but do you really have to go on and on about it? Imagine how people who live in Iraq or the parts of England where they used to have industry must feel when they hear you singing your own praises like this. You've also got spiders and snakes and crocodiles and jellyfish that can kill you by looking at you - why don't you sing about them, eh? Meanwhile, we're well aware we have awesome scenery too, but we choose not to boast about that in favour of getting all prosaic about world peace. Go us! 5-1 New Zealand.

Make her praises heard afar vs in history's page, let every stage.

Typically Kiwi understatement, in just wanting everyone to think we're a nice place and to say nice things about New Zealand to their friends vs more Australian self-importance, bluster and big-noting. 6-1 New Zealand.

God defend New Zealand vs advance Australia fair!

A late own-goal for New Zealand as our third trip to the God-well makes us sound desperate and needy. Meanwhile, despite the possible racial overtones of Australia "fair", at least the Aussies go out on a high, off to that piss-up they were promised in the first line. 6-2 New Zealand! We win!

So there it is, incontrovertible scientific evidence that despite it being a monstrously dull tune, lyrically our national anthem kicks Australia's butt. Plus we have two, count them, two versions of our anthem, which makes us doubly better than they are.

Now if only we could beat them at netball, that would be good.