New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the developed world. Over the Christmas and New Year period the number of incidents spikes dramatically. Fewer than 20 per cent are reported to the police - so what we know of family violence in our community over the festive season is barely the tip of the iceberg. Today we have a simple message - every Kiwi has a right to a safe, fear free and happy holiday. We are revisiting our campaign We're Better Than This to raise awareness, educate, and give an insight into the victims and perpetrators. We want to encourage victims to have the strength to speak out, and abusers the courage to change their behaviour.
Around Bailee Wilson-Yates' right wrist is a tattoo, a delicate chain of daisies looping around, connected in the middle.
To many it's just ink, but to Wilson-Yates, it's a symbol of freedom.
Her mother has the same design. It's there to remind them of when they fled their fear-filled home and the violent, volatile and "terrifying" man that subjected them to years of hell.
Wilson-Yates was 3 when her mother decided to leave her father. She remembers the escape vividly.
"She was saying 'be quiet, don't say a thing', then she jumped the fence after me."
Bailee Wilson-Yates was only 3 when her mother yanked her out of bed and sought refuge with a neighbour. Photo / Greg Bowker
The pair sprinted to their neighbour's back door.
Their neighbour was an elderly, disabled woman who had befriended Wilson-Yates' mother.
The young mum wasn't allowed by her partner to go out, to have friends, to speak to people.
But he allowed her contact with the older woman, who was, he thought, no threat to his lifestyle of violence and control.
"Her name was Anna," Wilson-Yates recalled.
"She'd spent months working on my mum, saying to Mum 'if you ever need anything you know where I am, you're always safe here', just repetitively making sure that was ingrained in Mum's mind.
"So Mum knew when the time was to leave she could go to Anna's."
Wilson-Yates remembers going into Anna's house and the elderly woman springing into action.
"Anna had a plan. she knew exactly what to do," she said.
The neighbour threw the toddler and her mother in a bedroom wardrobe and shut the door, telling them not to come out until the police brought them out.
She closed and locked every door and window in the house, drew all the curtains and dialled 111.
"For a little old lady going up against someone like my father is really brave," Wilson-Yates said.
"She saved our lives."
When Wilson-Yates was older her mother told her more about that night.
"She said to me, 'if I didn't get out then, he was going to kill us'.
"Dad, he'd been drinking, he'd gone out in the car and she knew he was going to come home and she knew what he was going to be like.
She said to me 'apart from that, I'd had enough. There's only so much a human can take before that was it'.
Wilson-Yates said her mother thought at the time: "If I don't do it now, I'm never going to do it and he's either going to kill me or kill both of us'.
"It was like a fight or flee moment," she said.
Wilson-Yate's father was "quite a scary person".
The gang affiliate was into drugs, alcohol and crime.
"He was really volatile and slightly unpredictable," she said.
"I remember him asking me if I loved him when I was about 3-and-a-half and I swear I never gave him the right answer. I would always say no, which was probably the worst thing ever.
"And then I remember him trying to get me while I was sleeping or when I was playing. I was really lucky in a sense because I don't think he ever managed to lay a hand on me. It was my mum that took the beating for me.
"I remember her saying 'every time he would ask you something like that I would be praying, just lie, just say the right answer'. I never did. I feel bad for that, but children are so innocent and it was just such an innocent reaction to someone that you're scared of."
Wilson-Yates remembers her mother getting regular hidings.
I remember a lot of screaming, not little squeals but bloodcurdling screams.
"Another of my earliest memories would be when he picked Mum up by her throat and threw her against the wall. It was terrifying.
"When my mother was pregnant with me he drove her out to the middle of nowhere and set his dog onto her."
She didn't realise her upbringing was not normal until many years later.
"Growing up with him was quite tough, but I didn't know anything else and I think my mother shielded me from a lot of it.
"There's a lot of stuff that I didn't see and stuff that she probably still wouldn't tell me to this day. She said there are just some things children shouldn't see and shouldn't hear.
"Growing up with him wasn't awesome but growing up with Mum there with me was perfect, it was our normal."
Her mother tried to leave a few times, including when Wilson-Yates was a baby.
She stayed at safe houses up and down the country but her partner always found her and she went back.
"She told me later 'the reason why I stayed wasn't because I loved him, it was because when I was around him I knew what he was going to do'.
"One of the biggest things about leaving was having the fear of someone coming up behind you. When you are living with someone you know where they are," Wilson-Yates said.
"It's a morbid way of looking at life, wondering if someone's going to find you and hurt you or finish it."
After they fled they spent a lot of time at Women's Refuge safe houses and sleeping on the couches of family and friends while Wilson-Yates' mother rebuilt their lives.
For a time they had no money, couldn't afford much food and were effectively stuck at the safe house.
"What people don't realise is that you're put in a refuge and they look after you and they do an amazing job - but having your independence, having a job, earning money is all part of living.
"That's something we didn't get. We lived off canned fruit the entire time we were there and to this day I won't eat tinned peaches.
"We had no money to go anywhere, Mum used to take me to the park across the road and taught me to make daisy chains - that was really all we could afford to do."
Years later the women would each get a daisy chain tattoo, to mark their freedom, their new lives and their bond.
Wilson-Yates' father died some time ago, and her mother has since married a wonderful man who treats her well.
She decided to share her experience with family harm in a bid to shine a light on an issue that many people would rather ignore.
"It's really important to put a face to this huge problem in our country. It's huge, it's not really talked about, it'd go a huge stigma against it.
"I was quite scared at first thinking my face would be all over this but that's how I grew up, I can't change it. It partially made me the person that I am today.
"If me talking about it just helps one person, then I've done something good."
She urged women living in violent homes, especially those with children, to reach out for help.
And if they needed to leave, there was plenty of support for them.
"No one will ever just drop you or let you fail," she said.
"Abuse is not normal and you are 100 per cent entitled to live a happy life free of fear, free of bruises, fighting and screaming."
• Bailee Wilson-Yates works at the Herald.
If you're in danger NOW:
• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you • Run outside and head for other people • Scream for help so your neighbours can hear you • Take the children with you • Don't stop to get anything else • If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay.
Where to go for help or more information:
• Women's Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 womensrefuge.org.nz • Shine, free national helpline 9am-11pm every day - 0508 744 633 2shine.org.nz • It's Not Ok: Information line 0800 456 450 areyouok.org.nz • Shakti: Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and their children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584 • Ministry of Justice: justice.govt.nz/family-justice/domestic-violence • National Network of Stopping Violence: nnsvs.org.nz • White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men's violence towards women, focusing this year on sexual violence and the issue of consent. whiteribbon.org.nz
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New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the developed world. Over the Christmas and New Year period the number of incidents spikes dramatically. Fewer than 20 per cent are reported to the police - so what we know of family violence in our community over the festive season is barely the tip of the iceberg. Today we have a simple message - every Kiwi has a right to a safe, fear free and happy holiday. We are revisiting our campaign We're Better Than This to raise awareness, educate, and give an insight into the victims and perpetrators. We want to encourage victims to have the strength to speak out, and abusers the courage to change their behaviour.
