KEY POINTS:
The Melbourne Cup has a huge number of fans over here - many of whom ignore racing the rest of the year. We offer a bluffer's guide to the race that stops two nations
Sweepstake chart
Get your sweepstake chart in Tuesday's Herald, along with a special 10-page section covering all the Melbourne Cup action.
* In Auckland, Ellerslie will feature 10 on-course races and live coverage from Flemington. There's also a fashion competition and a post-race party. Gates open at 10.30 am, with the Melbourne Cup field set to get away at 5pm.
What you need
While full-blown enthusiasts at less esteemed horse racing events are usually seen wearing more traditional on-course garb (beer-stained trackpants, jandals and an old singlet, for example), the once-a-year pretenders are obliged to don their finest or funniest fineries if attending Melbourne Cup festivities. After all, horse racing isn't called the Sport of Kings for nothing.
What to do
Firstly, try to secure some tickets to one of the corporate tents at your local racecourse. If successful, drink free champagne and gorge on hotdogs smothered in sauce. All going to plan, women wearing expensive dresses and ridiculous hats, as well as men in ill-fitting suits, will be doing roly-polies down the grassy embankment and falling asleep inside portaloos by about race No. 6.
Stroke chin, give knowing nods and say "mmmm, yeah, mmmm" when anyone mentions each ways, doubles, quinellas, all-ups, scratchings or totalisators.
Back horse based solely on names, lucky numbers, colours (the greys never win), or the brightness of the jockey's silks. "Hot tips" from "insiders" are worthless. It's all about intuition.
Even if you don't have a bet on, it's neigh-on compulsory to make strange, loud sounds like "yaaa, yaaa, yaaa", "tssssh, tsshhhh, tsshhhh", or "go Silver Sovereign" (not horse's real name) as the contenders sprint down the home straight. For added impact, smack racebook into hand or on thigh - a la an angry jockey - jump up and down like a maniac and increase frequency of yelling as horses near the finishing post.
If under the age of 40, collecting discarded tickets, although not particularly good for the reputation, can be a lucrative business. On occasion, some of the more prodigious - and usually more sozzled - punters will
unintentionally throw out a winning ticket or two so, while you'll have to fossick about on the ground for crumpled pieces of paper like a derelict and spend the rest of the night fastidiously checking through your filthy claim, rich pickings are just waiting to be found.
If, like the majority of the population, you are forced to watch the excitement unfurl on television, rather than taking a sick day and heading to the racecourse, jump on the once-a-year betting bandwagon, put some money into the Melbourne Cup sweepstake at work, draw a rank outsider out of the hat, and wait for 5pm to roll around so you can lose your money. If your horse comes in, celebrate by purchasing a sponge-cake (with mock cream) and sharing it with your colleagues. Wait for them to hoist you upon their shoulders.
If at home, place bets at the TAB (beer-stained trackpants, jandals and old singlets recommended), online (it may seem like fake money but it isn't), or use a TAB phone account. Ideally, try to remember the account number that may have been drilled into your brain over the years by your gambling dad. If the bets are successful, inform him that he owes you the winnings. If they're not, it never happened.
When the race is over, shrug your shoulders, wonder why it's always such a big deal, and go back to ignoring horses - or, more specifically, humans atop or behind horses - until next year's Melbourne Cup.
What to say
For losing bets, say: "This ridiculous handicapping system has turned the Melbourne Cup into a complete lottery. The best horse just doesn't win, unlike the Cox Plate."
After placing a winning bet (rare), kiss ticket (no tongue) and yell in the face of your associates (loudly): "You little beautttyyyyy! Stick that up your trifecta!"
Mention Makybe Diva and say "The moment she won her third Melbourne Cup in 2005 will forever be known as the greatest moment in the history of the world", or "Despite being an animal, there is no doubt she is Australia's greatest athlete".
Throughout the day, bemoan the fact that our arrogant neighbours have claimed the "incomparable" Phar Lap as their own. Don't forget to mention other stolen cultural icons such as the Finn Brothers, pavlova, Russell Crowe, Bonecrusher, and so on. Remind Australians regularly that New Zealand-bred horses have won 28 of the past 50 Melbourne Cups.
Impress associates with your compendium-like knowledge of the event by saying: "Did you know the Melbourne Cup was originally held over two miles, or 3218 metres, but in 1972, when Australia adopted the metric system, the length of the race was changed to 3200 metres?" Deride those whose education is so obviously lacking, call them "phillystines or "neighsayers" and follow up with: "Then I doubt you would know that 17 horses competed in the first Melbourne Cup in 1861, racing for a gold watch and £170? Or that the total prize money awarded in 2005 was $5.1 million? Or that around 80 per cent of the Australian adult population were thought to have put a bet on the race in 2000?"
Make a hilarious joke about the birdcage and the fact that it actually houses horses, not birds. Tell everyone the irony is delicious. Also, ask the barman for a horse float and, at some stage during the race, do a poor impression of a race commentator and say: "Chewing gum is stuck to rail, grandma is nagging behind." Wait for uproarious laughter to ensue.
Question the constant fasting of jockeys, and say: "This level of self-flagellation in the quest for sporting gain is absolutely no different to the puerile stunts attempted on shows like Jackass in the quest to entertain." Also, laugh at their jodphurs and their high-pitched voices. But be careful, jockeys have sharp biting teeth and aren't afraid to use them.
Complain about the fact that a pottle of hot chips at the races - which are renowned as some of the best in the fried goods business - has increased from a mere $1.50 in the late 1990s to around $4 today and say: "That's Fryway Robbery!"
Interesting facts
The Melbourne Cup is New Zealand's biggest betting event, with Kiwis spending around $9.3 million last year.
Before the event's official beginnings in 1861, bets were laid and paid in bottles of rum. Single-word horse names are a better bet than double or treble word names.
Eighty winners have had single-word names, 55 have had double-word names and just five have had three-word names.
During the 50-day Spring Racing Carnival in Melbourne, attendees are thought to spend around $20m on fashion.
Betting
For those keen for a flutter, you can beat the raceday rush and bet any time from tomorrow morning at any TAB. Or you can open a TAB account online at www.tab.co.nz or use TouchTone or Phonebet.
The TAB advises amateur punters to go for the $10 Big Race Pack: Pick one horse and your $10 gets you a $3 each way bet (the horse has to come in the top three), a $1 quinella (the TAB computer picks another horse and if it comes second, you get the quinella payout), and a $3 trifecta (the computer picks two other horses, and if they place second and third, you get the trifecta payout).
- ODT
