Amid the pain and disappointment, Olivia Ray overwhelmingly feels relief.
She had known for over a week of her ban from professional cycling for two-and-a-half years before the news was officially handed down on Friday.
It was a welcome interlude, before the news became public, to privately reflect on the performance enhancing drug scandal that has dogged her life for over a year now.
"I really couldn't pinpoint what thoughts were going on. Like I could but… I was definitely upset," Ray said.
"I was sort of trying to keep myself composed, thinking when I'll send a message back to him [Ray's lawyer], accepting it or wanting to appeal it. I was just like, it's finally been decided after so long. It was a bit of a relief.
"I don't have anything else to expose."
The 24-year-old New Zealand national cycling champion was banned by the United States Anti-Doping Agency [USADA] after she admitted to them she had used the prohibited substances Human Growth Hormone (hGH), clenbuterol, and oxandrolone.
She also admitted to having clenbuterol - which is a steroid-like weight loss substance - and the steroid oxandrolone in her possession.
In an exclusive interview with the Herald in July, while the USADA investigation was still ongoing, Ray publicly admitted she had taken the above banned substances.
The former professional rider revealed she took performance enhancing drugs in November last year while she was entangled in an allegedly abusive relationship with US amateur cyclist Jackson Huntley Nash living in Atlanta, US.
She had hoped she may get a reduction in her USADA ban - which had a maximum length of four years - down to as low as one year due to her cooperation.
Ray had two transpacific phone interviews with the USADA earlier this year and allowed her phone to be searched by the Serious Fraud Office.
But despite the transparency, Ray was informed of her 2.5 year ban by her US lawyer, Howard Jacobs, last week. She had received a 1.5 year reduction in her ban for her cooperation with USADA, but it was still confronting news.
"I got told last week so I was like **** man. He [Jacobs] was telling me all 'well you could appeal it and that would cost you like $15,000 US'," Ray said.
"Then the world [doping] organisation could then contest that and you'd pay another $15,000 and they could make it longer. And you know what, I don't care, I'm so over it and it's nice living my life.
"That's the thing, I'm just going to make it longer and it's already been since March, even prior to that because I knew what was going on. Very few people knew the truth, [I was] just trying to hide it. And now that it's out and everyone knows it, it's kind of like now we can all get on with our lives."
Ray has been back living in Auckland with her parents since the USADA investigation began and she was dropped by her Human Powered Health US pro team in March this year.
A month earlier she had become New Zealand road racing national champion after beating a field of experienced pro riders who battled the gusty remnants of Cyclone Dovi through the Cambridge streets on February 13.
In mid-2021, she had just been promoted to a professional rider for US team Human Powered Health after she had won 19 national races on the US college circuit.
She'd won another seven elite adult road races in New Zealand.
Ray had been living in the US since 2017 on a scholarship at Savannah College in Atlanta, Georgia. Ever since then, she had been a racing nomad at events across North America with only part of her time at her college dormitory, and latterly Nash's apartment.
In a press release, USADA said they initiated an investigation into Ray after receiving information from a whistleblower in December 2021.
Information from the whistleblower yielded evidence implicating Ray, who was living and competing in the US at the time, in anti-doping rule violations.
When confronted with the evidence USADA said Ray fully cooperated, despite pressure for her not to do so, and admitted she was provided prohibited substances by Nash.
"This case demonstrates the power of investigations in the fight to protect sport and athletes' rights," said USADA CEO Travis T. Tygart.
"As always, we will thoroughly investigate and act on evidence of doping violations, and greatly appreciate the assistance of those who come forward on behalf of clean sport."
Ray has been stripped of any results post-May 17, 2021, meaning she will lose the New Zealand road racing championship she won in February this year.
In July, the Herald reported several performance-enhancing drugs were allegedly photographed at Nash's home, and the images presented in a US court in January this year.
Also present in those photos were the anabolic steroid testosterone and a drug used to mask the negative side effects of steroids - anastrozole.
As part of that court case, another former partner of Nash - an amateur competitive cyclist on the US Crits tour - accused him of years of abusive behaviour to ex-girlfriends, including being a "danger" to Ray.
On August 11, Nash received his own lifetime ban from cycling by USADA for a litany of offenses including possession and use of prohibited substances, drug tampering and trafficking and the administration of drugs.
Ray's 30-month period of ineligibility began on March 10, 2022, so she will be eligible to resume her career in mid-2024.
But the former pro-cyclist - who has been working in retail and now in recreation and fitness in Auckland while pursuing a personal training qualification - isn't so sure she wants to return to the intense elite cycling circuit in the US and Europe.
She's enjoying the calmer life with a new partner in the city where she grew up before relocating to the US.
"In terms of the sport, I'm looking at it like, OK it's going to be two years away, so August 2024," Ray says.
"You know, what can I do in that time? Really focus on building a good career, figuring out how to help people in what I'm doing. Do other big things, go on trips, doing things that I'd never thought I'd do otherwise, like going on those Great Walks.
''Honestly two years isn't a long time. But in the grand scheme of things it is a long time because a lot of things can change. I mean, s**t, I want a family in two years, ha.''
Ray is also under no illusion re-entering the pro cycling world is no straightforward process after a drugs ban.
"I was going back and forth with the lawyer about whether appealing it would be good because I could get off with a year and then I could compete.
"But then, thinking about things realistically would I have really had a chance [to compete straight away]? It's not instantaneous to get on a team again, it's not instantaneous to be selected for the Olympics.
''You spend four years training for it, if not more. So in reality I could be like, I could have done this and I could have done that, but if I live like that I'll probably never be happy."
"Honestly, it's more a case now of everyday life. Before, there'd be people asking 'what do I do? Oh you ride a bike'. And I'm kind of like maybe I should stop saying that now, ha."
Police reveal the identity of Tauranga pedestrian fatality injured in Pyes Pa crash.