Relationships pass the honeymoon phase and couples can slip into coexisting without noticing as life gets busy, complicated and stressful.
One therapist explains that “falling in love is easy”, while growing into mature love, “one that truly values and honours the other, takes time and effort”.
One psychologist explains that research on attachment in couple relationships has shown partners need to demonstrate accessibility, responsiveness and engagement in order to build a secure bond and “make us more resilient when tough stuff arises”.
A sex and relationship therapist offers her tricks to prevent relationships from getting to the point of resentment, which is “a pain in the a**” to treat “because it’s like trying to get a three-day-old espresso stain out of the carpet”.
Instead of waiting for it to hit the fan, local relationship experts have offered relationship and couple therapy exercises everyone can do at home.
“Falling in love is easy. Growing into mature love, one that truly values and honours the other, takes time and effort.
Her simple exercises help couples stay connected and grow intimacy and bonds.
Share appreciations
Take time daily to stop, look into one another’s eyes, and each of you share: “one thing I’ve appreciated about you today is [something]”.
Then each share: “when you did [something] for me, I felt [one-word feeling]”.
Moulton says this is “probably the quickest, easiest” thing to make the “biggest difference” in your relationship.
Love language
Growing and maturing a relationship is about learning to love our partner in the way they need to be loved, which may be very different to what we need, Moulton says.
Have opening and closing rituals
Moulton says the way you start and end the day together can hugely impact a couple’s level of connection.
Sharing a long hug, giving shoulder massages, or doing a meditative exercise together are examples of staying connected to your partner even if you don’t get much time to talk or connect throughout the day.
Communicate frustrations safely and respectfully
Moulton explains that it’s easy to say things out of frustration when we feel hurt by our partner, however, blame, shame and criticism “are sure ways to push your partner further away”.
Use ‘I’ statements, for example, ‘when you say [something], I feel [vulnerable feeling]’.
She says trying to express the vulnerable feelings beneath frustration makes it easier for your partner to hear, rather than if they feel it is just criticism.
Tauranga-based psychologist Kate Ferris works with individuals, couples and families, and says good relationships “don’t just happen”.
“We need to cultivate skills and remain actively engaged in the practice of doing love.”
Her exercises are designed to foster aspects of thriving relationships — accessibility, responsiveness and engagement — found in research on attachment in couple relationships to strengthen bonds and make couples more resilient when done regularly.
“Building positive relationships is integral to our wellbeing — they make us happier, increase self-worth and belonging, and are a protective factor against a wide range of negative health outcomes.”
Conversational prompts
Each partner writes several questions on separate pieces of paper. Take turns pulling one out and answering the question.
Questions should be exploratory and intended to evoke new information. For example: what advice would you have for your younger self? When do you feel most alive? What are three things I do that make you feel loved? Avoid “gnarly sensitive topics” — agree in advance to keep things positive and affirming.
Ferris says conversational intimacy games are a great way to stay curious and strengthen the connection — a chance to tell stories, see and be seen, and practise active listening skills.
Mindful touch
Put aside some goal-less time to simply touch with a “fresh perspective” and an emphasis on your five senses. Slowing down and engaging the senses when touching or being touched by your partner can deepen connections, she says.
Discuss in advance any boundaries or preferences. Reorient your focus back to touch, smell, taste, sound and sight when you catch yourself thinking.
If it feels safe, share some of your affirming sensory discoveries. You can do this fully clothed, or not.
Body-based calming
Some simple ways to calm a stressed brain are deep belly breathing, a short sharp burst of exercise, stretching, and exposure to a big temperature differential — like splashing cold water on the face.
These strategies activate the parasympathetic nervous system to bring our bodies back into balance because the thinking part of the brain shuts down when a stress response is activated, making it hard to communicate in the thick of a conflict.
She says a shared agreement to “time out” for a body break is important in shifting ingrained patterns of dysfunction, however, there also needs to be a shared commitment to reengage and resolve once calm.
Novelty
One of Ferris’ favourite studies tracked couples to find the secrets to their success, and found they all had three things in common: they recalibrate their expectations of each other, diversify how they get their needs met, and they have novel experiences together.
To inject a bit of novelty into your relationship, write a list of experiences to share together ranging from small daily changes to wild fantasies.
“When we engage in novel activities, the brain releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine — and when we do these things together — it generates bonding.”
Values exercise
Download a list of core values and talk about what the suggested values mean for you both. Choose four to six values, then, under each one, bullet point what you could do to live out that value, keeping the language positive and aspirational, she says.
To finish, craft your chosen values into a “mission statement” and display it in your home. For example “we love big, and live with curiosity, courage and creativity”.
She says having a clearer sense of shared values and an action plan to live in greater alignment with them, our relationships become more “intentional and anchored”.
Rotorua relationship counsellor Joy Dorflige says your relationship has the potential “to be the foundation for a great life; a friendship you can trust, support when trouble strikes and a partnership that more than doubles the effectiveness of two people”.
She says it’s easy to forget to attend to our relationship in the busyness of our complicated and stressful lives, and urged people to take the time to invest in each other; talk, cuddle, enjoy activities together and honour each other in particular ways.
Too many partnerships end when the relationship has been neglected and ignored, she explains, “and then one or other strays and looks elsewhere for its care and nurture”.
“The personal pain that follows such a situation, not to mention the financial and legal mayhem, especially if children are involved; can be horrendous and ongoing.”
Eye contact and smiles
When you wake up in the morning, before anything, Dorfliger says to roll over and take a good, long look at your partner’s eyes.
“Try to hold eye contact for a few seconds and communicate to them without words that you love them.”
She calls it “the loving gaze” and says partners build connecting pathways to each other when a point is made to make good eye contact. Smiling is another easy way to communicate connection.
Greetings and goodbyes
Dorfliger says to make a habit of marking when our partner arrives or leaves, reminding them they will be missed, for example, a ritual of hugging, kissing, waiting and waving goodbye. When you reunite, make a habit of delighting in their arrival.
Physical contact
Holding hands, hugs, sitting together on the couch, and even a touch on the shoulder communicates loving closeness, she says, and can be done in social settings too by standing together with shoulders or elbows touching.
She says intimate physical contact is also important and works well with good communication about preferences and boundaries.
She says it may be necessary, in this busy world, to deliberately carve out time for intimacy as this can be seriously neglected when two people are overly committed to work, children, hobbies, and other friendships.
Thinking about them while you are apart
Leaving a note, sending a quick text or calling, bringing home a small gift, or scheduling an evening together can effectively strengthen your relationship, she says.
Dorfliger says knowing your partner is thinking about you creates a feeling of rest and safety.
Share rituals of connection
This could be having a coffee before work, an evening walk or listening to music or a podcast together, which most can do at least once or twice a day for at least 20-30 minutes, sex and relationship therapist Serafin Upton says.
Agree that screens and devices stay out of the bedroom and get put away after an agreed time at least a few times a week, she says, as screens and devices are love and sex’s greatest killer.
Separate bedtime and sleep time; bedtime should be for snuggling and chatting and should be light, loving and affectionate — never for discussing the relationship or relationships with others, she says.
“A life well lived and well loved, isn’t about the Instagram moments, it’s about the small uncaptured moments of shared purpose between two people.”
Have a date
Aim for a date once every week or fortnight, with no talk about the kids, house, money, jobs, or “anything that seems like your day-to-day business as a couple”.
Dates should be fun, adventurous, curious, playful, frivolous, compelling, delightful, fascinating, wonderful, creative, or exciting, she says.
If you need to vent about the kids or work, Upton says do it for no longer than 15 minutes.
“A great date delights ... Don’t get overly stuck on who plans it ... if you both have a blast, that’s all that matters.”
Burn sage
Agree to meet once a week, fortnight, or month in a cosy location with your notebook for 10 to 30 minutes, and stick to this. Bring snacks and beverages, like a “meeting” to see how things are tracking, she says.
Tell your partner something you’re grateful to them for, something you’re enjoying or admiring about them, and their physical attractiveness or presentation.
Then, give them some feedforward. Keep it brief about what happened, what you saw or heard — strictly observational and facts — and what you’d like from them next time, then it’s their turn.
Burning sage ensures a safe place to raise discomforts instead of raising them out of the blue, and is “solely to clear the air and nip problems in the bud”, not raise trauma, major relationship grievances, or make decisions.
Upton says many couples struggle with conflict because they “avoid it like the plague”. Over time, this leads to resentment, which is problematic.
