Eric Thompson: Seeing the forest through the keys

Dashboard electronics keep getting more complex and confusing. Photo / AP

I borrowed a car the other day to test drive and write a little report. Nothing in that really. But when I got into the car and tried to find the place to put the key I couldn't find a anywhere to stick it.

Slightly embarrassed, I had to go and find the salesman and ask him if it was a design fault, or the key insert point was in a place cunningly designed to fool potential thieves. With a bemused look he told me the big button on the dash with 'Start' on it was the starter. I just had to push it.

How odd.

If you've got a button why do you need a key, and if you've got a key why do you need a button? That was explained away easily. Modern cars now come with a proximity device you carry in your pocket, which replaces the traditional key.

I remember when all European manufacturers offered were chassis and an engine, a seat, a roof, wind up and down windows, six wheels (four on the road, a steering one and another in the boot) and if you were lucky, a radio.

Now it's all gone pear-shaped. Every time you start a modern car the national grid strains to supply enough power to light up all the electronics in, on and around the dash.

Not only is everything now controlled by what appears to be a television in the dash, you've got buttons, knobs and LEDs for Africa.

Bring back the sliding heater vent I say, at least you can see at a glance what the temperature is and what bit of the body it's aimed at, rather than scrolling through menus on a screen.

I hear a rumour a manufacturer is bringing out a car with two steering wheels soon, just in case someone's got four arms I suppose.

Apart from needing a degree in electronic engineering, coupled with a post-graduate diploma in programming, the car wasn't half bad.

It did get me thinking about something else though, especially when I realised, as a bloke that should know about driving a car, and all things motorsport, I may not be all that astute.

Being a bit of a closet petrol head, and as part of my other job as a motor racing correspondent, I cover a lot of motorsport and have to interview a number of drivers and mechanics.

Although in my element at race meetings and chatting with engineers and such like, it took a woman to make me realise just how sad us blokes are when it comes to fast cars and loud engines.

While discussing a few technical things a couple of years ago with some members of a pit crew, a woman sauntered over, and cutting to the chase, asked, "Why are tyres black?"

After much head scratching, no one had an answer. A little while later at a press conference, one of the drivers was asked, again by a woman, "What's better, winning a race, or having sex?"

As quick as a flash, one of the drivers piped up and said, "In my opinion if you get the first, you're likely to get the second."

Thank goodness, honours even.