Willy Trolove: The real meaning of the great Kiwi summer holiday

Here follows a glossary that may be useful when describing some of the components of a New Zealand summer holiday:

Pack vb. (before departing for a holiday). To jam too many items into too small a space. This process can take several times as long as the holiday itself. It is complete only when all the fragile items have been broken.

Unpack vb. (upon arrival at a holiday destination). To realise that you have left the most important items behind, usually on the front doorstep.

Exhaustion n. The process by which an inflatable mattress is inflated. According to the manufacturer, this should only take a few minutes, but it typically takes several hours because the purpose-built nozzle on the foot-pump doesn't actually fit into the purpose-built valve on the mattress.

Anxiety n. The vague sense of uneasiness experienced when trying to sleep on an inflatable mattress because you are convinced that the air is escaping.

Deflation n. The combined feeling of frustration and backache that results when waking up in the middle of the night on a previously inflated mattress and realising that the anxiety experienced a few hours beforehand was entirely justified.

Disorientation n. The process by which a swollen bladder compels you to stumble through the pouring rain towards the campground toilet block at 2.37am and, on your return, climb into an already occupied sleeping bag in someone else's tent.

Pain n. The intense sensation experienced between the toes when encountering a tent peg on the way to or from the toilet block mentioned above.

Barbecue vb. To carefully turn prime meat into a hard black crisp under the influence of alcohol.

Sausage n. Processed meat product flavoured with insect repellent. Sausages are traditionally barbecued or, when rain has extinguished the barbecue, smoked.

Insect repellent n. A personal pesticide that is usually only needed when it has been left behind.

Insect netting n. The fine mesh in the windows of a tent or bach. Typically, the holes in the mesh are just large enough to permit sandflies and mosquitoes to pass through the mesh on the way in, but prevent them from leaving once they have gorged on your blood, just as Pooh was unable to exit Rabbit's house after gorging on his honey.

Sunscreen n. A topical skin treatment applied at the start of the day with great hope and enthusiasm but which is not often required (especially this summer).

Designer sunglasses n. Expensive eyewear that has a habit of being smashed by a lofted on-drive in the first over of beach cricket.

Holmes n. The nation's favourite aerobatic entertainer. His new show will be live on air sometime in the New Year (flights permitting).

Flip-flop n. A single jandal, vb. 1. To change your mind about which way around the campervan should be parked so that the fridge might work correctly. 2. To pragmatically position yourself for an upcoming election.

Boating n. A traditional pastime where large amounts of money are spent to keep outboard motor mechanics in gainful employment.

Fish vb. To very nearly catch some fish, and to talk about this for weeks afterwards.

Waterski vb. To get tricked into strapping wooden planks on to your feet before being dragged by a boat across a choppy waterway at high speeds for the amusement of the people on board the boat.

Jetski vb. To roar around on a jet-powered water machine designed to raise the blood pressure of pensioners, upset overprotective mothers, and annoy miserable greenies.

Offshore n. The direction in which your sailing dinghy travels when it has capsized and cannot be righted because you are tangled in several ropes and have swallowed half a lungful of seawater.

Communicate vb. To stomp up and down a beach waving your new cellphone around in the futile hope that you will get enough coverage for the blasted thing to work.

Dawn chorus n. Nature's alarm clock. On the first day of the holiday this is a wonderful symphony. On the second day it is a pleasant noise. By the end of the week it is a dreadful bloody din.

Deluge n. The weather that traps you inside a tent, a campervan, or a bach for days on end with all eight of your in-laws, their pets and their dependents, and a single quiz-type board game which has been played so many times that everyone knows the answers to all the questions.

Ditch n. The well-intentioned but inadequate drainage channel dug around a tent that, when it rains, causes the base of the tent to become inundated with several centimetres of muddy water.

NB. This glossary will be updated to include more summer-type words when, or indeed, if summer ever arrives.