Willy Trolove: Internet banking accounts as safe as unlocked houses

Advice for internet bankers: You will be pleased to know that online banking is almost very nearly entirely safe*. (*Some conditions apply.) The chances that you will ever be a victim of internet banking fraud are so extraordinarily small that you are most probably virtually much more likely to be hit by a car*. (*See our standard terms for specific exclusions.)

There is, you could almost certainly say, just about practically absolutely nothing to worry about*. (*Be sure to read our prospectus and consult your financial adviser).

And, so, you may be puzzled why we have temporarily blocked all access to your online bank accounts. If so, please call our 24-hour helpdesk, where you can speak to a real live bank employee somewhere in Delhi.

We apologise for this inconvenience and hope to resume your normal almost very nearly entirely safe online banking service as soon as possible.

In the meantime, you can take several practical steps to reduce even further the already just about damn near negligible probability that you will be the victim of internet fraud. We detail these steps here for your continuing online banking safety and happiness.

Make sure you install virus protection software on your PC. This means that every time you connect to the internet, your PC will download approximately 16 zigabytes of virus protection patches. Depending on the speed of your connection, this can take up to four days.

When the download is complete, your PC will check that it hasn't been infiltrated by the Russian Mafia. Your virus protection software will then automatically scan for and remove all malicious programmes, such as spyware and Darryl Tuffey videos.

Spyware is a computer virus that exploits the latest electronic espionage techniques. It can abseil over your internet firewall, sneak into your PC, spy on your online activity, copy all your personal passwords, break into your internet bank account, then spend all your savings on medium-dry vodka martinis, shaken not stirred.

Keep your internet banking password secret at all times. If someone asks for your password, do not give it to them, even if they claim to be someone you know, like, say, your brother who wants to get back the $500 you owe him.

Anyone who asks for your password is almost certainly a fraudster, especially if they claim to be an ex-member of the Nigerian Government trying to recover hundreds of millions of dollars of funds that were earned by purely legitimate means, which may or may not include goat trafficking.

Never write down your password. This is bad luck. A lifestyler in the Waikato once wrote down his password and the very next day a power company told him it wanted to build a 70m power pylon over his deck extension.

You might think that these events couldn't possibly be related, but we at the bank know better.

Don't make your password out of words or numbers that can be guessed by people who might be interested in accessing your bank account, such as criminals, teenage offspring and disgruntled ex-lovers who still haven't forgiven you for sleeping with their best friend and/or poisoning their favourite pot plant.

Your own name is a bad password. So is your cat's name, your date of birth, and your favourite brand of underpants.

Try not to use a word from the dictionary. Despite what you might think, the word password is a poor choice for a password.

Ideally, your password should contain random numbers and letters. The more difficult it is to remember, the safer your online bank account will be. This is because if you can't remember the damn thing, whoever has hacked into your computer will have just as much trouble remembering it, too.

Change your password often. This will not help you to remember your password, but it will allow you to spend many hours speaking to the real live bank employees at our 24-hour helpdesk (did we mention that they are in Delhi?) so that you can re-establish your identity and access the meagre savings you have spent your lifetime accumulating.

Don't use the same password for different things. If you have one password for everything you will find yourself obsessing about it night and day, and blurting it out at inappropriate moments.

For example, you might be at a party. Someone will say, "Gidday, I'm Gerald." And you'll reply, "Hello, Imumoh [pause while your brain tries to function] fluffybum24."

If you follow this advice, you can be almost confident that by the time we unblock access to your online bank accounts, your internet banking service will be safe, secure and at least mostly trouble free.

Until then, have a nice day and thank you for banking with us*. (*We take absolutely no liability for the advice we have just given you.)