Vivienne Crawshaw: Breaking up doesn't mean instant eviction

The return to work for Wendy was more difficult than for most. Instead of the relaxing holiday she had expected, Phil (her de facto partner of 10 years) had dropped a bombshell on Boxing Day and told her he was leaving. Vamoosh.

Phil said that he had gone through the charade of Christmas for the children and the family's sakes but he was not going to pretend for the holidays. Weeping copiously and barely able to drive, Wendy had taken the children for the two weeks' planned holiday at a rented bach which they were to share with old friends.

The friends were sympathetic but not shocked. They had seen it coming and knew that Phil had been fed up as he had confided in his best mate about it.

Pillow talk being what it was it had soon got round the group of friends, though had not reached Wendy.

Trying to provide a holiday despite the news, Wendy did her best to protect the children from the turn of events until she had time to come to terms with the break-up herself. Uppermost in her mind was what was to become of the family home that they had both put so much hard work and love into. She was worried sick that the children would have to change schools as she knew that she would not be able to afford a house in the same area if they sold up and divided the proceeds.

The other thing on her mind was how she was going to be able to survive. Phil had said nothing about helping to pay the mortgage or household expenses. Wendy worked as a secretary in an accountants firm close to the children's school. Although the job paid reasonably well it was certainly not going to cover the mortgage as Phil's drawings from his veterinary clinic did.

She also felt sick at the thought that Phil would undoubtedly want to have the children in his care at least some of the time and she could not bear to think that she would suddenly be on her own after pouring her heart into her family.

On her return from holiday Wendy found that Phil had moved into his own flat and had taken not only his belongings but a significant number of items of furniture and household appliances. A long note left by him stated that the relationship was over; he was seeing a lawyer and had already contacted a real estate agent to get an idea of price so that the house could be listed for sale as soon as possible.

Once Wendy had recovered from the shock of the clinical nature of the note, she decided to consult a lawyer herself and she did so without further ado. Wendy left the lawyer's office breathing more easily than when she had entered. The lawyer explained that the house could not be sold from under her. The home was held in joint names and under the relevant legislation was considered to be relationship property even if it had been in either Phil's or Wendy's sole name.

Wendy would be able to apply for occupation of the home under the act and also to put off the sharing of the home until she was in a better financial position to do so.

Because Wendy had been primarily responsible for the children (aged 7 and 5 years) there was no reason that should not continue after separation, particularly as Phil often worked very long hours. However, the lawyer suggested that Wendy and Phil might benefit from counselling run through the Family Court to help them reach their own conclusions about that.

The lawyer also explored whether Wendy thought counselling might salvage the relationship. Wendy's view was that the chances of that happening were long gone, particularly as they had been to counselling some years beforehand which seemed to only have made matters worse.

The lawyer advised Wendy that a Parent Educational course was running at the North Shore to assist couples with dealing with separation where children were involved. It helped those who had children and were newly separated to understand the sorts of changes to expect, the court process, the effects of separation on the children and how parents should act to help their children.

Wendy was considerably heartened by the information and planned to attend when she had received some counselling herself.

While she did so, however, she was able to relax somewhat knowing that Phil could not turf her and the children out of the home.

* The course known as Children in the Middle is run through the Family Courts Association in the North Shore area and draws upon people from that catchment. Bookings may be made on phone 09 916-5848.

* Vivienne Crawshaw is a family law specialist.