The Long March: Saving face goes beyond social etiquette

Sunset in Pudong, Shanghai. Picture / Kenny Rodger

The two facets of behaviour that primarily govern Chinese society, says Emilly, are guan xi - literally, connections - and saving face, preserving the ego of others.

Those with guan xi (pronounced gwan-shee) are top of the tree in China. The word describes a personal relationship between two people who have cultivated each other and is a major force in government and business.

Guan xi demands that favours are regularly expected and regularly given. People in such relationships need not be of equal social status.

Guan xi is not illegal and not regarded as bribery, but "it is very big everywhere", says Emilly, and it makes the playing field uneven.

"It is not always fair. For example, I've got a colleague in my project team ... he's not very suitable but you have to use him because of his relationships with other people.

"You need to put more effort into the relationships than the project, and that's not good. If you want to do something you have to put up with guan xi."

Emilly says that because she has moved around China so much she is "always the freshman. I know nobody so I have to work really hard to get anywhere. Promotion is not very fair".

Saving face is something Chinese children learn very early, says Emilly. It involves making sure you don't make someone look stupid or force them to back down in front of others.

That's no bad thing. "My parents do saving face, and we do. From very young one knows that saving face is about being polite, and I think that's good."

The best way to deal with a problem is persistence with a smile, she says, and ensuring you give whoever is opposite you a way out. Anger or direct criticism gets you nowhere.