Te Radar: Yes, Officer, but they were high points of my life

In the current climate of moral drug outrage it is no doubt unwise to suggest that some of the best times of my life have been had under the influence of one or more supposedly illicit substances. So I won't.

However, while having some of the best times of my life I have never killed, raped, beaten anyone senseless, nor stolen anything.

I have, however, eaten unwisely, stayed up too late, indulged in some of the most rivetingly inane conversations of my life, and laughed until my nose bled.

So I am amazed at the reaction to the latest tabloid scandal regarding supposed members of Our Elite. The nation, it seems, is aghast at the inclusion of Sports Stars in Drugs Episode.

Clearly it is time people realised that sportspeople, held in such high esteem in this country, are not the paragons of moral virtue many people imagine them to be.

But, with no disrespect to sportspeople in general (and I certainly do not refer to those indicted), many sporting heroes are about as wholesome as syphilis.

So prevalent are some of the substances allegedly involved in The Scandal that many people need to be reminded that what they consume is in fact illegal.

And that indeed is the problem.

Given its predilection to seemingly grow wild in the valleys and basements and wardrobes of the nation, marijuana should be reclassified as a noxious weed rather than a drug. It is as impossible to remove from the socio-cultural landscape as gorse or morally outraged politicians.

For a better example of someone's career crumbling under the influence of something (in this case electioneering foolishness), one only needed to watch The Don fail to answer the question of whether he would have sent troops to Iraq had he been the Prime Minister.

As the crusade against the Muslim Oppressor does not appear to be an issue that is going to go away, I have a fondness for knowing whether our potential leaders have any inclination to send our military folk into the valley of death.

Clearly, though, we live in a drug-addicted society.

The mildly maudlin are prescribed happy pills, disruptive school children are at greater risk of state-sanctioned sedation than school yard P-dealers, and increasing numbers of put-upon women are complaining of the amorous attentions of their pill-powered partners.

In fact, if you are a school child reading this, may I congratulate you for the sophistication of your reading choice and suggest that if you are thinking of imbibing illicit substances, then I would recommend investing your money into something worthwhile. Like property.

After all, the misuse of substances can have unfortunate consequences.

Once, when having one of the best times of my life, I cycled some distance into town. Stopped at traffic lights, I glanced down and was somewhat flummoxed to realise that between my thighs there appeared to be no sign of any bike. How I laughed.

Was I a criminal? No, like some others I can think of, just a little unfortunate.