Te Radar: To hell with the health police

There is little that arouses any passion in me to look after my health merely to end up elderly and alone, sitting quivering in a damp pool of my own making, drooling at television re-runs until it is time for my daily gruel.

Of course, there are those fortunate few who have sprightly and fun-filled retirements but for the majority of us, paltry superannuation payments, lengthy hospital waiting lists, and the phrase "Till death do us part" are all excellent incentives for the long sleep.

Thus it was good to finally hear the voices of sanity prevail in the form of Peter Caccioppoli and Dr Rhys Cullen, who recently published their much-maligned book, Maori Health.

However, this wasn't my initial thought.

My initial thought was that if, as the authors argue, Maori have such a fondness for enjoying life - smoking, drinking, eating fatty food, having sex, talking, gambling and taking risks - then given my love for those same activities, is there something my European parents aren't telling me about my whakapapa?

After much angst, I eventually realised that there was no dark secret in my genealogy.

Rather, Maori don't seem to be paying attention to the so-called "Health Nazis and House Niggers" of the health system not because they are Maori, but because they, like the rest of us, are human, too.

No one pays those people any attention. And why should we?

Statistics state that in the not-too-distant future one in four people in this fine nation will be over 65. This raises several interesting quandaries.

Who will look after them? Can we afford the hordes of elderly, especially as most of them are not so keen on the philanthropy of euthanasia to assist Nanny State. Should I be investing in the manufacturing of adult diapers?

Perhaps we need to stimulate in the populace the concept of "quality of life", not the rather more selfish (and it seems, according to the authors of the book, Eurocentric) conceit of "quantity of life".

The authors also suggested that ailments caused by bad lifestyle could all be fixed with a "poly pill".

There is actually in existence a pill that alleviates many of the problems associated with bad living. It is called Ecstasy. Sadly it's illegal, possibly because it makes you feel too good.

Personally I would legalise it, if only to be able to prescribe it to the anonymous Aucklander who, while attending a sporting fixture in the Waikato, whined that he was less likely to spend money in Hamilton because of a local beer billboard that stated "No Aucklanders - Our Foreign Policy".

I would suggest to this bleater that he is the reason for the sign.

And as for Tourism Waikato and the other woofters who implored the brewery's representatives to scuttle the sign: Shame on you.

I suggest you all go and treat yourself to a pie, a beer, some lovemaking, and a smoke of your choice of herbage. It would do us all the world of good.