Te Radar: Render unto caesareans the whole gruesome truth

I will never forget how surprised I was at the rate at which a cow's uterus contracts after calf-birth.

I discovered this biological phenomenon as I stood clutching the slick lady-organ in my hands, while the vet, who was herself heavy with child at the time, hastily attempted to sew it back up after a successful bovine caesarean section.

It was a heck of an experience for an 8-year-old.

My fascination with the procedure was rivalled only by that of my dog, who stood looking on, pensive and pleading, timidly edging forward for a chance to snatch a potential titbit.

I was reminded of this experience recently when the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists suggested that the filming of caesarean births might not be the best idea.

Typically, being doctors, this decree was not based, as one might think, on matters of good taste, but out of a fear of medical practitioners being sued for malpractice.

They also declared that it raised serious health and safety issues. This is true.

The filming of such procedures is clearly a health hazard, especially to those unwitting viewers who were not aware of what was on the videotape when they begin watching it.

Personally I would like to produce a film that is nothing but an amalgam of the human drama that is the blood, sweat and tears of women giving birth and having caesareans.

I would select only the footage of the most painful and traumatising births and would lobby for it to be made mandatory viewing for rooms full of young schoolchildren.

They could screen it as a kind of sex education shock-and-awe campaign, just after graphic films about venereal diseases.

While some may find it offensive, it would make a great sex education tool, and while it may not stop them fornicating completely, it might just make them wait a little longer or at least be a little more careful.

Anything has to be better than the system in place now, as reports from the provinces recently stated that more young women catch chlamydia in the Bay of Plenty than in the entire South Island.

Quite what this says about either the attractiveness or intelligence of the young of both places I am not sure.

Interestingly, when investigating caesarean births on the internet, one usually reliable reference website stated that the first successful caesarean was performed in 1550 by one Jacob Nufer, a German pig-gelder.

While probably not true, the description of his occupation caused me to laugh almost as much as I did at the perplexed look on my dog's face when he realised that everything had been sewn back inside the cow.

Still, perhaps the best statement about the whole birth film saga came from a doctor who said, "A lot of parents don't want the grisly bits anyway. They just want to film the baby at the end."

I thought that was the grisly bit.