Te Radar: Politicians captivated by lavender-scented bosoms

Generally speaking, the extent of my planning for the future consists of little more than ensuring I am wearing pants before leaving the house.

I was recently criticised because my retirement plan consisted wholly of saving enough money to buy a couple of smart suits, figuring out where wealthy widows lingered, and wooing them over a light luncheon.

It seems that I may now have a little competition, as politicians are again scurrying to ensconce themselves into the lavender-scented bosoms of the elderly, striving to woo the seniors with half-baked ballot swindles that are the electoral equivalent of the Nigerian scam - promising much but delivering little.

As the politicians fawn over the age-wearied they are tantalising them with such enticements as discount cards and the ability to continue driving un-vetted.

They are mollycoddling the mature, not because of their old age or their contribution to this nation, but because the aged have a lot of time on their hands, and they are only too happy to fritter this away by wrapping their gnarled fingers around the pen of democracy and scrawling their choice in what they believe to be the appropriate box.

At the Grey Power conference they stared at the various political leaders with fixed looks that could have been either rapt attention to the speakers' messages or serious contemplation of the texture of the scones served for morning tea.

Clearly worried that the numbers of elderly are rising exponentially every year the Government has had to embark not on a state euthanasia programme, but on what seems to be a more hands off approach.

This is best evidenced with the idea that elderly drivers will not have to face a driving test. Although they can rarely be accused of speeding, and it isn't as if they kill an inordinate number of people, the opportunity cost of losing a few more seniors will result in a net saving, as we won't need to look after them.

Someone who nearly didn't have to worry about the tribulations of old age was the Prime Minister, who suffered an unfortunate but very well-timed air incident, as opposed to the seemingly badly timed incident involving Honest John, which proved suitably distracting and one which she only just resolved.

Initial reports suggested the air incident was caused by a faulty grommet, which I assumed was some kind of deranged sea-bird.

However, it did highlight what a curmudgeonly and petty nation we are, in that we won't even begrudgingly allow the leader a state-owned plane.

This adherence to frugal egalitarianism over commonsense practicality is what allows this country to remain the minor South Pacific island it is.

Apparently, as the plane rapidly descended, Helen calmly returned to her notes as two policemen struggled to hold the door closed.

When I heard this I thought to myself that they had certainly appeared on the scene unusually quickly for policemen.