Te Radar: I'll never judge again - and that's a promise

I swore I would never judge anything again after inadvertently remarking at a secondary school talent quest that one group of young women appeared to dance with all the enthusiasm of strippers at 5am.

While an accurate comment, it did not seem to go down well with anybody except the one girl who thought it was a compliment.

Somehow, though, I have found myself on another judging panel, this time assessing the Auckland entries for the annual 48-Hour Film Festival.

My credentials appear to be solely based on being a previous winner and the ability to stay awake through 5 1/2 hours of nightly heats.

Many of the films are brilliant. Some are bad. A few are brilliantly atrocious, which makes them all the more enjoyable.

It has, however, made me realise that election campaign advertisements and party political broadcasts should be produced in the same way.

Each party should be given 48 hours to come up with a range of short films showcasing its policies. Each film must contain an explanation of economic policy using a real pie and contain a line of dialogue stating "and that's a promise".

It is also fairly easy to allocate genres to each party.

In the NZ First gritty film noir epic, our hero, having been burned by his last encounter with Jenny, the femme fatale, sits wreathed in cigarette smoke, scotch in hand. Disregarded and derided by the mainstream powers, he waits for the one case to come through that will redeem him.

With the Oddfather moved aside by the hired muscle, Act's gritty gangster flick sees them desperate to win Best Supporting Cast as they battle to maintain their ideological turf.

In National's romantic comedy, a shy accountant tries to woo the sultry electorate. Threatened by bullies, and a pathological inability to say the right thing at the right time in the right way, will he ever win the heart of his sweetheart?

The Greens' family-friendly Disney film suddenly descends into a horror as mutated vegetables devour native flora and fauna, while the hapless childstars are unable to do anything aboutit because of their obesity.

As society degenerates, and an avocado shortage and floods ravage the country, the backdrop is provided for the apocalyptic thrillers of the various religious parties.

Against all odds, the struggling underdogs of the Maori Party in their feel-good film win an epic battle against the oppressive majority. This is also the only time that a film viewed by many as a feel-good, against-the-odds success story is also seen by many others to be a horror.

Any success portrayed by Jim Anderton's Progressive Party would clearly be a fantasy film.

The biggest mystery may be how Labour ended up with a disaster film after beginning with an epic story of triumph.

As to who wins, that will eventually be up to the people. The envelope please.