Te Radar: An invitation to dinner chez Te Rauparaha

It was recently brought to my attention that I may not be the best person to lecture children on the intricacies of the history of this nation.

I had been fulfilling this function as part of the Christchurch Arts Festival, where among other things I have been enthralling children with stories such as this tale which I call "A Journey on the Elizabeth".

Once upon a time there was a proud chief called Te Maiharanui. He was happily married to his beautiful wife, Te Whe, and together they doted on their even more beautiful daughter, 9-year-old Nga Roimata.

One day people from a neighbouring tribe popped over for a visit. While they were there the visitors accidentally ended up dead.

Unfortunately the visitors were related to a man called Te Rauparaha, who upon hearing the news was rather upset.

At this time a white man called Captain Stewart, aboard his ship the Elizabeth, visited Te Rauparaha.

"Kia ora, Captain Stewart," said Te Rauparaha.

"G'day," replied Captain Stewart.

"I'm not sure if you're aware," said Te Rauparaha, "but a rather bad man called Te Maiharanui has killed some of my relatives, and, even worse, he's killed some white people."

"Crikey," exclaimed Captain Stewart, "he sounds like a bad egg. What do you plan to do about it?"

"Well," said Te Rauparaha, "I was wondering if you could give me and a small group of my closest friends a ride to Akaroa to iron this out."

Before you could say "Kia ora", Captain Stewart, Te Rauparaha and 150 of Te Rauparaha's closest battle-hardened friends were taking a lovely trip south.

As they approached Te Maiharanui's house Te Rauparaha suggested that it might be a good idea if he and his friends were to hide below deck so that when Captain Stewart invited Te Maiharanui on board it would be a nice surprise.

Te Maiharanui was indeed surprised to see Te Rauparaha and 150 of his closest battle-hardened friends there, as was his beautiful wife, and their even more beautiful daughter.

"Kia ora, Te Maiharanui," said Te Rauparaha, "I have decided to take you and your beautiful wife and even more beautiful daughter back to my house for dinner."

But on the way Te Maiharanui and Te Whe decided that it might not be the best thing for Nga Roimata's future to be taken to Te Rauparaha's house, so they strangled her to death.

Soon Te Maiharanui and his wife were paraded in front of Te Rauparaha's people, who mocked them.

Fortunately Te Maiharanui didn't have to witness the cruel looks for too long as Te Rauparaha burned out his eyes with a hot stick.

Then some of Te Rauparaha's women decided to quench their thirst for vengeance by cutting open Te Maiharanui's throat and drinking all of his blood.

"Ouch," said Te Maiharanui.

"Serves you right," said Te Rauparaha.

"I'm off to Australia," said Captain Stewart.

At the end of this story the children seemed thrilled. The teachers somehow didn't.

"You have upset the whole kindergarten," they said.