Te Radar: A forgotten triumph of New Zealand sporting prowess

If I was to produce a lovingly crafted sculpture of a 16-year-old Lolita, lolling topless and wistful, and proposed to install it in a prominent public place, I would no doubt be labelled a pervert.

For this reason alone I am glad Pania is safely bolted back in place, as a reminder not only of a wonderful tale, but of a more innocent age.

Thankfully the coquettish Pania is now under 24-hour video surveillance, to ensure no more reprobates will snatch her for their own nefarious delight.

But it was another, less fortunate, bird that elicited the world's sympathy this week.

Had it not been for the uncommon execution of a rather pesky common sparrow, I would probably never have discovered that on July 1, 1979, New Zealander Alistair Howden and his team in Auckland set a new world record for toppling 255,389 dominoes.

This record was not broken until January 1984. It is a national shame that this feat remains unrecalled in the annals of New Zealand sporting history.

Still, had it not been for the ongoing attempts to further push the envelope of extreme-domino-toppling, a man in Holland would not today be in fear of his life for assassinating a rogue sparrow.

The unfortunate bird had somehow found itself in the arena where, over the past month, more than 100 humans have toiled to position 4.1 million dominoes in anticipation of a new world record.

In its consternation at being in such an environment, the sparrow fluttered around, knocking down around 23,000 dominoes.

It was decided to sacrifice its life for the greater good, and an exterminator was called in. For some reason the thought of a Dutch exterminator with an air rifle, hunting a sparrow in a room full of delicately poised dominoes, seems like an oddly compelling drama.

The exterminator, having despatched the hapless bird, is reported to have himself received death threats - this at a time when the global paranoia caused by bird flu is reaching levels of premillennial madness.

Nowhere is this more evident than China, where they intend to vaccinate their entire poultry population, some 14 billion birds. Not surprisingly, they have given no timetable for the campaign.

Given the industrious nature of this crusade, it should come as little surprise that it is a Chinese woman, Ma Li Hua, who is the world record holder for the greatest number of dominoes single-handedly set up and toppled, a staggering 303,621.

The most obvious question this entire incident evokes is why we do not once again challenge for the title.

TVNZ would be the perfect sponsor. It would certainly give Ian Fraser something constructive to do, since he is to be paid $300,000 to impotently complete his term. At just under a dollar a domino, it would represent superb value for both him and the taxpayer.

The visual metaphor of the toppling dominoes would be ideal charter television.