Sideswipe

Real questions and facetious answers for potential tourists posted on an Australian website:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden).
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK).
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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A pregnant student who was banned from graduation at her Catholic high school announced her own name and walked across the stage anyway at the close of the programme. Alysha Cosby's decision prompted cheers and applause from many of her fellow seniors at St Jude Educational Institute. But her mother and aunt were escorted out of the church by police after Cosby headed back to her seat. "I can't believe something like this is happening in 2005," said her mother. (Source: seattlepostpi.com)

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Muhammad Ali and Madonna have very different ways of attending a function. "At a Parkinson's Disease Foundation gala Ali arrived without any bodyguards, met with ex-heavyweight rival Joe Frazier and was among the last to leave. He didn't mind having his dinner interrupted, signing autographs and standing for endless pictures. Madonna arrived surrounded by bodyguards just in time to make the presentation, didn't sit at any table, and left right after posing for pictures in a private room. Her Madgesty disappointed everyone." (Source: nypost.com)

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At the unusually scandal-free Qantas print media awards in Wellington last week (feta was not hurled across the room and most wore fully opaque attire), a group of the more puerile hacks from competing papers outdid themselves by stealing the Weekend Herald's award for best weekly newspaper. While consumed by a jealous rage the trio of perps smashed it to smithereens in the capital's Civic Square in the early hours of last Saturday morning. Although cathartic at the time, after the fog has cleared these incidents tend to be forgotten quickly. That is unless there's some delightful CCTV footage and a broadcaster sniffing around.