Sideswipe

How to spot a concealed exit.

Britney Spears says she's not pregnant - but she sure seems to be preparing her fans for news about a burgeoning bun in the oven. The latest screed on her website notes: "A lot of people think you should wait till you're older to have kids. I've had a career since I was 16, have travelled round the world and back and even kissed Madonna! The only thing I haven't done so far is experience the closest thing to God - and that's having a baby. I can't wait!" Spears says it's important to have children when you're young - like her own mother, who "looked sexy in her black dress [when she went to church and] would come home and put on her size 2 shorts and a bikini top to wash the car and get a tan at the same time". (Source: New York Post)

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When a Pennsylvania police chief allegedly used the N-word while detaining two black teenagers, the boys' parents charged racism, but the chief's brother, police officer Mike Naviglia, came to his rescue. Naviglia suddenly grabbed one of the boys, in front of his mother, and kissed him flush on the mouth. Said Naviglia, "Does that taste like racism?" (According to the mother, Naviglia said, "I kissed him to show him I wasn't prejudiced." The mother, undaunted, said she would proceed with her complaint.)

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Local answer-phone messages, supplied by readers ...

Boffin: "Hi. We're not in this time-space continuum at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll call you back yesterday."

Irritating: "Hello ... hello? ... Can you speak up, please ... Sorry, I can't quite hear you ... Helloooooooo?"

During the Olympic Games: "The Smith family are all busy watching sport. Please leave a message after the beep and we will get back to you when the synchronised swimming comes on."

Odd: "Please leave a message after the sound of the mouse's orgasm."

More odd: The guy at Westlake Boys High who sings his lengthy message to the tune of She'll be Coming Round the Mountain.

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Mad-keen All Black fan unable to watch morning coverage of All Blacks-France match eagerly awaits night-time replay at 8.30pm. Spends all day with radios off, avoiding contact, threatening all he meets before they open their mouths not to divulge the score if they know it. Tunes to Sky at the scheduled time of 8.30. Squirms until 9pm watching an unscheduled extended cricket coverage, without Sky advising of the extension until about 8.58. Then in the ad break Sky advises that they will be covering the "All Blacks' record-breaking win" ... Argghhhhh.

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Having barely survived the fire of the Welsh dragon 26-25 in Cardiff, the All Blacks face a dangerous French cock in Paris after his feathers were ruffled in a 14-24 defeat to muscular Argentina. (Agnew's Angle in the East and Bays Courier.)