Sideswipe

Bad album cover art: Sesame Street rocks? Of course it does.

The best and worst of Sideswipe 2002-2004

A reader asks: "Do these blots on the landscape annoy anyone else?" Not particularly, but let's hear more ... "The countryside is now littered with unsightly 'hospital green' plastic-wrapped bundles of silage. Is there any reason why the manufacturers cannot make a biodegradable dark green so the poor farmers can colour co-ordinate their paddocks? These bales stick out like the proverbial ... and are an eyesore. Surely it is not just a city slicker who finds them abhorrent."

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The Washington Post Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. A few of the best: Intaxication, euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. Foreploy, any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex. Giraffiti, vandalism painted very, very high. Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis, terminal coolness. Dopeler Effect, the tendency for stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

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Almost 20 million British viewers tuned in to watch the nail-biting climax of a Coronation Street double bill, sparking a huge national electricity surge as viewers sought to calm their nerves with a post-show cup of tea. A surge measuring 1200 megawatts was recorded after viewers saw Richard Hillman confess to murder. The power peak was equivalent to about 450,000 kettles being switched on, said a National Grid spokesman. (The Guardian)

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For no reason whatsoever, someone bludgeons a friend to death with a pick-axe handle. Imagine for a moment you're the Crown prosecutor. How do you emphasise the enormity of the act? Well, one Crown prosecutor didn't mince words. "This," she said, beneath stern nostrils, "was a significant breach of trust."

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Two blokes named Hone and Fred are walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when they are stopped by a Ministry of Fisheries inspector. The inspector suggests that it looks as though they've caught a couple of undersized crays. Hone replies: "Nah, bro, these are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home." The Fisheries officer doesn't believe him and starts writing out a ticket for the illegal catch. Fred says: "Nah, bro, just watch." Hone chucks the crayfish into the surf. The Fisheries officer says: "Okay, let's see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you." Hone says: "What crayfish?"