Sideswipe

Bad album cover art No 5. John Bult. Julie's Sixteenth Birthday.

* The best and worst of Sideswipe 2002 - 2004

Best road rage story ever - a reader's account: "Picture this. St Lukes shopping mall, Auckland, 11am on Saturday. I spotted a car leaving a parking spot on my left. I stopped and indicated. Meanwhile, on my right, an attractive brunette in a red, two-litre, BMW Z3 convertible. She was trying to leave her space at the same time, but noticed the other car and retreated. By now the guy had left and I drove quickly into his spot, mindful of allowing the woman in the Z3 space to move now that I was out of her way.

Here's where it really starts to get interesting.

As the Z3 drives past the rear of my car, she yells, 'Bastard! You couldn't wait two seconds?!' and speeds off. Now before you start thinking anything, no; I did not react in any way. No one-fingered gesture, no verbal response. Although I was a little mystified, because I genuinely had been trying to move out of her way.

Not interesting enough? Okay, read on.

My wife and I get the kids out of the car and head to the mall. Just then I hear more yelling. The driver of the Z3 has decided that the first round of screaming was not enough to correct my inconsiderate driving, so she has done a quick circuit of the carpark and come back for more. This is where I obviously really annoyed her. Maybe she expected me to yell back but I decided to laugh. Loudly. She sped off, leaving about $60 of BMW tyre rubber behind.

Now, I promise you, is where it gets really interesting.

We went into the mall. I then realised I'd left my mobile in the car and went back to get it. As I walked out the door, I could see the BMW Z3 parked on St Lukes Rd. I looked across to my car to see the woman leaning over it. Believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, she had vomited on the bonnet of my innocent little car; and we're not talking normal vomit either, but some weird macrobiotic green toxin, with little bits of unchewed gherkin and spring onion. Someone must know a volatile brunette model who drives a red BMW Z3 convertible that smells slightly of macrobiotic vomit. If so, they need to explain the following to her:

1. Don't take life so seriously; the boring guy in the silver car was really trying to be polite.

2. If you feel really strongly, then go ahead andyell. But only once, anything more just looks deranged.

3. Have more respect for your own body and try to limit vomiting to times when it is really necessary or unavoidable.

4. For God's sake, lay off the macrobiotic diet and go and see a doctor. I've vomited enough times to know it's not supposed to smell like a geriatric orang-utan's latrine.

Finally, never vomit on the bonnet of a comedian's car. They just think it's funny and then tell all their mates."