Sideswipe

It makes you wonder why she married him in the first place?

A reader writes: "I'm 16 years old and, when I was 5, my two older brothers made a promise that they would chaperone me at my first school ball. They are now 27 and 29 years old. I emailed them to tell them the ball would be held in July, at Sky City, and I received this reply from my oldest brother, Andrew: 'Thanks Katie. I'll liaise with Sky City about installing the closed circuit cameras to monitor the ball, and get a copy of the invite list from the ball organisers at your school so we can begin the police checks and psychological screening on all guests. I'll speak to Jonathan about sorting suits and baseball bats for me and him so we can go with you, and he can sort out breathalyser and urine test kits for drugs and alcohol. We'll need to meet with you beforehand to review whatever outfit you might be thinking about wearing so we can help you ensure that it is full length, non-revealing, and preferably a burqa (the Middle Eastern look is so in this ball season). It may be that we will either need to arrange for there to be no boys in attendance at the ball, or at least minimise it to one or two which we can interview first and arrange court orders requiring them to remain five metres from you at all times. We should also decide on a curfew. If the ball begins at 7.30pm, then 7.45pm would probably be a reasonable curfew. Looking forward to your big night. Lots of love, Andrew."'

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Firemen in the eastern Ukrainian city of Donetsk fled a burning sauna in panic after discovering that what they assumed was a hosepipe was in fact a three-metre boa constrictor, the Itar-Tass news agency reported on Thursday. The reptile called Yasha, kept as a mascot by the owner, had succumbed to smoke and lost consciousness on the floor before emergency workers arrived to tackle the blaze. A member of the startled fire crew eventually heeded pleas by the sauna staff to save the snake and dragged it to safety by its tail.

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Crooner Justin Timberlake underwent throat surgery last week in LA, but that didn't stop him from picking up more than $1 million to perform at the bar mitzvah of British mogul Philip Green's son. US Weekly reports that Timberlake may lip-sync during the reception at the posh Grand Hotel in the French resort of St Jean Cap Ferrat. "We don't think he'll be singing live, due to his throat problem. He may mime," says a source close to Green, the master of BHS, Britain's biggest privately owned retailer.