Sideswipe

This "scenic reserve" looks more like a loggers’ playground.

Imagine if this were true: The Minister for Political Correctness Eradication, Wayne Mapp, today announced that he is making the necessary changes to reverse Labour's nine years of politically correct tyranny. Dr Mapp says his first action will be to introduce legislation removing wheelchair access to public buildings. "Wheelchairs are for PC wimps. They should just get up off their bums and walk like the rest of us," he said. The second part of the legislative change will ensure the New Zealand Rugby Union abolishes the haka before matches. "What kind of namby-pamby PC rubbish is the haka? These pinko lefty politically correct rugby players may like dancing round like queers, but they're role models and must set an example." John Jones, a 78-year-old from Orewa Rotary, welcomed the announcement, saying the minister would "put things back to how they used to be, back to when things were good. When women's natural skills were used in the kitchen, Maoris wore grass skirts just for tourists and fags were only in plays".

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A reader writes: "As a lawyer who has had the misfortune to deal with the Immigration Department over the past few years, it is some comfort to learn that they are realists. Despite being one of the most incompetent, racist, corrupt, inhumane and downright pedantic government bodies in the world, they have now been realistic enough to forsake the title 'NZ Immigration Service' and rebrand themselves as 'NZ Immigration'."

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So Don Brash's spin-doctor, Richard Long, has left and his replacement, one Wayne Eagleson (once a private secretary to Jim Bolger and National's campaign director in 1993 and current general manager of state-owned power lines company Transpower) is described as an expert in "reputation management". What is reputation management, and how do you become an expert in it?

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Waitakere's mooning Mayor Bob Harvey can't seem to keep his pants on ... The third instalment of the Auckland Philharmonia's fundraising auction on TradeMe includes A Skinny Dip with Bob Harvey. The "prize" is for four consenting adults to join Bob one sunny summer's morning for a "natural" swim at the Ranui Naturists Club. Shudder.

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Sports Minister Trevor Mallard and Australian High Commissioner Allan Hawke were the protagonists in a publicity stunt yesterday to highlight a study showing New Zealand adults are more active than their Australian counterparts. The men engaged in a running race to illustrate what the study found - that 63 per cent of local males aged 50 to 65 were active compared with just 50 per cent of Australian men. Asked what Australian men were doing instead of being active, Mr Hawke said: "A bit of horizontal folk dancing, I guess."