Sideswipe

Top 10 ways Parliament will be different now that Margaret Wilson is speaker, according to the clever wags at Molesworth & Featherston.

1. MPs now to swear allegiance on a copy of Helen: Portrait of a Leader.
2. After a week on the job, Molesworth and Featherston forget about Hunt and declare Wilson the greatest speaker in parliamentary history.
3. Opposition spokespeople to be given larger desks so occupants appear smaller on TV.
4. References to the Crown in future legislation to be replaced with University of Waikato Law School.
5. Father of the House now to be known as Gender-Neutral Kaumatua of the Whare.
6. Opening prayer to be replaced with rousing rendition of I am Woman.
7. The Treaty of Waitangi will be discovered to contain previously unnoticed reference to the CTU.
8. The sheepskin rug on the speaker's chair to be replaced with a handmade Nicaraguan peasant blanket.
9. Messengers instructed to carry out random tests on Mark Peck's "water jug".
10. Parliamentary question time runs as smoothly as the Labour Party in the 1980s.

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First faux pas for Margaret Wilson, who invited the Member for Marijuana to ask a question yesterday and called him "Mr Tandor Nachos". Q WHAT are ... Kippers?

A: Kids in Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings.

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A reader writes: "Just came back from taking my teenage son to sit his practical. He unfortunately failed. Not because he sped or followed too close or failed to give way, in fact he didn't even get to start the car.

No, the 'failed' tick was due to the fact that the warrant on my late model Toyota indicated an expiry date of 24/8/05 on the inside but the month of February was punched out on the outside. This, according to the testing officer, made it 'an invalid warrant' and he could not conduct a test in a vehicle with 'an invalid warrant'.

I kid you not. No amount of dialogue could persuade him that this was just an honest mistake at the testing station. The solution: get a valid warrant and re-book the test. So having just paid $85.20 and not even getting to start the vehicle, we have had to pay another $50 to complete the test. And you thought speed cameras were revenue gatherers."

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A high school football coach in Oregon is being investigated for licking one of his player's cuts, following a parent's complaint.

Central Linn High School coach Scott Reed was disciplined for licking the bleeding knee of an athlete. The school placed Reed on probation and required him to take a "bloodborne pathogens" course.

Reed asked permission, then knelt down and licked the boy's knee. An athlete says Reed seemed to be "joking around" and the licked athlete was not offended.

Source: Fark website