Sideswipe

New Zealand Defence Force upgrade 2005.

Flatmates from Hell: Instalment one.
* After a day of frying things in the pan, shall we put the dirty black oil back in the bottle for future use? Yes, I think we will.
* Apparently dishwashing liquid causes cancer, so we won't use any. Ever.
* Our non-stick cookware was cleaned with steel wool. Funny, it didn't last all that long.
* When I asked my middle-aged flattie why he prefers to flat rather than buy his own home, he replied that he feared becoming too selfish living on his own. Seems he may be too late. If a visitor uses our toilet in which he has provided the toilet roll that week, the roll immediately disappears for days until he gets over the loss of however many of the tiny sheets were used by the caught-short visitor.
(Sideswipe thanks all those who sent detailed accounts of unhygienic practices and unsavoury matters. Those are too special to share with the Herald's readers.)

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Jan Willem Strijker of Browns Bay gives her offspring bad investment advice: "I finally convinced my 13-year-old daughter to open a bank account and put her $150 worth of piggybank savings in a secure environment and where the amount grows as the bank pays interest. Dad said he would top it up with an additional $100, making her total net worth $250 if she agreed. Today she got her much-anticipated bank statement. Hooray, the bank had added 85 cents interest! However, a $2 monthly account fee was deducted by the same bank and our Government grabbed 16 cents tax on interest, leaving my daughter with only $248.69. Her 10-year-old brother couldn't be convinced to go with the bank account idea and is laughing his head off ."

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BBC Radio 1Xtra has arranged a special day of programming to celebrate Dr Dre's 40th birthday, on February 18. Unfortunately, Dre is not so keen on the idea, so 1Xtra bosses had to send this email out to presenters: "Aftermath Records in the States are VERY unhappy with us drawing attention to the fact that Dr Dre is going to be 40 years old - so tone down the mentions of him turning 40. Just say it's his birthday so we're going to celebrate with Dre Day." (Source: popbitch.com)

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After shooting Daphne the celebrity paradise duck visiting from Tiri Matangi for its annual moult at the Gulf Harbour Country Club, the woman shooter was confronted by Jude Smidt-Cox, who had kept a regular check on the duck's welfare and was devastated by its demise. Asked if she enjoyed what she was doing, the shooter replied: "Yes, but I enjoy plucking them more, and the best part is eating them." How's that for caring and sharing and showing some sympathy for a distressed woman whose "pet" you have just shot?