Sideswipe

Confused? You will be: Snapped near the Meremere Power Station.

Flatmates from Hell: Instalment two:

1. Sally* brought a beanbag to our flat and throughout the year the beanbag had slowly started to subside and get a little saggy. Sally confronted another flatmate, Jack*, accusing his girlfriend of stealing beans from her beanbag handfuls at a time throughout the year.

2. I once lived with a sleepwalking anorexic. She'd starve herself for weeks then raid the refrigerator and eat everything in sight ... deepdish apple pie, leftover pizza, rolls of luncheon meat, a block of cheese ... she'd scarf the lot. We finally asked her to leave when her binges started to include "cooking". (*names have been changed)

3. My flatmate brought his girlfriend's lounge suite into the flat, which was our only living room furniture. One day he announced that we had been mistreating the couch, which he never explained, and so he piled the suite up at the back of the room, and for the rest of winter we sat on the floor.

4. My flatmate watched from her sleepout as a darkly clothed man run into our house and stole, among other things, our dvd player, cds, dvds and rifle. She said she thought it was someone coming home for lunch. Even the police shook their heads at that one.

5. We only knew he peed in our tea cups after he left. He was mad, literally, and a med student. I remember him following me around the flat reading from his textbook the relevant passage that illustrated my insanity. Closing the bedroom door did no good, he would bellow his diagnosis through the door. Then he assaulted a friend. We tried to kick him out, and asked for the landlord's assistance. The landlord came round and the med student threatened him with a brick. The result? We all got kicked out. And it was when cleaning up that I discovered a couple of tea cups under his bed, each brimming with urine. The thought that he emptied these and then put them back gives me nightmares.

6. I once had a flatmate who could not use a can opener. This made it quite difficult when it came to Thursday, when Miss Wellington would cook the only thing she new how, nachos. A whole year of Thursday night nachos and if you wanted beans in it you had to open the can for her. I just felt safe in knowing she could use a cheese grater.

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Can't decide which causes the most poster terror to drivers entering the CBD around Fanshawe and Customs: The life-size Qantas plane approaching at a level no-one ever, ever wants to see a jet in a city these days, or half a dozen square metres of Sally Ridge's crotch on her undies ad.

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Tried ringing the Auckland Australian Consulate yesterday? They are closed for Waitangi Day. The Australians get a holiday and we don't?