Sideswipe

Inappropriate fundraising synergies. (Source: www.b3ta.com)

While Sky crumbled last week, those discerning viewers who were forced into the path of train wreck television that is ALT TV (a low-rent music channel with appalling sound) would have had the disquieting experience of seeing Nicky Watson presenting the heavy metal show flailing her arms about, lolling over the couch, thrusting her trademark homie hand gesture at the camera and talking about her boobs [again]. Before you could say "psych assessment" Watson managed a coherent sentence - admitting she'd had too much booze at the CAANZ Media Awards.

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Christian Meteorologists Declare War on Rainbows: A group of conservative Christian meteorologists has announced plans to eliminate rainbows from the Earth's atmosphere. At a press conference following a White House luncheon with President Bush, lead scientist Bret Banger told reporters that his organisation, Climatologists For Christ, had declared open season on the multi-coloured spectrums of light as part of their commitment to eradicating the homosexual lifestyle and all weather patterns that reflect it. (Source: fakegaynews.com, because real gay news is too depressing).

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At Titirangi Golf Course last Thursday a reader stumbled upon an open day for cricketers organised by Cricket NZ. Most of the NZ Cricket team were there, but the dominant sponsor was Qantas - complete with three damsels in blonde wigs handing out free grog. Aren't the Aussies our biggest rivals?

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A good way to cuddle up to the Ponsonby inner sanctum in the hope that slack will be cut for a mall development would be sponsoring the local fringe festival. Yes, property developers the Soho Group, who want to turn the old DYC vinegar factory into a mall (they say it'd be more Chancery than Botany Downs) are "gold" sponsors of the Ponsonby Fringe Festival this week, alongside the art and fashion brigade who energetically opposed the development. A few drinks at the launch and maybe the idea of a 717-seat cinema, and more than 30 shops, cafes and bars, and a five-level underground carpark won't sound so bad.

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That Michael Cullen is a bit of a worry, says David from Kohimarama. "Asked on National Radio to name his favourite song, he chose Gershwin's I've Got Plenty of Nothin! Is that why the kiwi dollar is going downhill?"

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Err, what's your name? Who is the mysterious Helen Lewis that the Number 10 Downing Street website says UK PM Tony Blair met for talks while in New Zealand.

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Remember ... Send your donations for the Sideswipe Child Cancer Fighting the Monster appeal to PO Box 32, Auckland.