Sandra Paterson: Take care in how we talk

Suppose Jesus himself had gone to the Big Gay Out last weekend. I wonder. Would he have waved a placard with "God Hates Homosexuality" on it, as did protester Justin Pearce? Would he have told the crowds that he found their lifestyles offensive?

Truth is, no one can say what he would have done, but I like to think he would have taken a blanket and a bottle of lemonade and a few sandwiches. More than he needed, of course, just in case anyone was hungry.

He would, perhaps, have hung out for the day under the shade of the trees, asking people their names, inquiring after their families and listening to their stories. And, most likely, as the sun began to set, someone would have invited him home for a barbecue.

Mr Pearce and his wife, Christians from Titirangi, told the Herald they disrupted the gay celebration because they took offence at what was going on. "This is a family park and we believe the Bible says explicitly that homosexuality is a sin," he said.

Well, that might be so, but there are probably better ways to win friends and influence people. I found myself wishing that the Pearce family had taken a frisbee, not a placard, especially when I read what one gay man named Paul had to say: "This day is just a vessel for gay and HIV-positive people to feel a bit wanted," he said poignantly. "I just want him [Pearce] to see me as a real person."

Now, I don't think Justin Pearce hates homosexuals, I don't believe Pastor Brian Tamaki does either, or the thousands of people who plan to walk over the Auckland Harbour Bridge next month in support of family values.

But here's the thing: it's not so much what you say but how you say it. Communication is what is understood, not what is said.

And the fact is that when churchgoers wave condemnatory placards and throw around the word "abomination" or write hellfire-and-damnation letters to the editor, it doesn't make people want to turn up on Sundays or dust off their Bibles. It just causes hurt and offence.

Any regular readers will know I am fairly conservative on social issues: in fact, one correspondent has described me, much to my amusement, as a "dyed-in-the-wool moral conservative with a fundamentalist bent".

I have written about observing my daughter growing up in a fatherless home and how I believe kids need a mum and a dad. I believe in the institution of marriage and its value to society; and I am pleased to see churchgoers taking their collective heads out of the sand and making a stand for traditional values.

But it saddens me when people like Justin Pearce deliver a message without respect or compassion.

Late last year Vision Network, a nationwide collective of mainly Protestant and Pentecostal church leaders, announced they were holding unprecedented discussions with Catholic leaders about being more involved in politics. This is positive and timely, but I hope whatever they do is more in the spirit of Henry Hyde than Justin Pearce.

Henry Hyde is a Republican congressman, the man who ran the Clinton impeachment trials and a tireless campaigner against abortion. Normally, because of his pro-life views, he would have been written off as an extremist or some other label commonly applied to social conservatives.

Instead, he is one of the most well-liked and respected members of the United States House of Representatives. The New York Times, never friendly to the pro-life movement, wrote that Henry Hyde "has alternately frustrated, infuriated and trumped his peers with his ideological ferocity. But he has also earned their universal respect".

How does he do it? He says simply that he tries to be polite and respectful at all times.

Another man who fights for his beliefs in an admirable way is Phil Burress, an American businessman who for many years has led a successful campaign against pornography in Cincinnati.

"If anyone should be flying the flag of love higher, it should be we Christians," he says. "I will not let people hang the label of 'hate-monger' on me. If they believe that about me, I will seek them out because I want them to get to know me personally."

No matter who is stating a controversial view - be it politicians, greenies, religious groups or the homosexual community - a dollop of respect goes a long way.

At the Big Gay Out, the Labour Party tent included a fundraising game called "Drown a Bigot." Inside was a caricature of Brian Tamaki atop a replica harbour bridge which people could try to tip into a paddling pool by tossing a coin.

I can see the humour in the stunt - and Tamaki himself probably had a chuckle over it - but, really, it does no more to foster understanding than Justin Pearce and his placard.

The black shirts and regimental haka of the Destiny marchers at last year's "Enough is Enough" event might have been offensive to some, but equally so was the behaviour of some of the gay protesters. So it goes both ways.

Both sides, in any debate, would do well to remember that even the strongest of opinions is most effectively expressed with graciousness and respect.

* Sandra Paterson, of Mt Maunganui, is a freelance journalist.