Sandra Paterson: Show a little respect during man drought

Opinion

My single friends are still talking about how there are not enough men to go around. Not that the news came as any surprise. That there are 24,000 more 30-something women than men in this country was merely scientific confirmation of what we had known for some time. That it is jolly hard finding a decent man.

It also gave us an excellent comeback for when well-meaning married people tell us, as they do, that we are too picky. (OK, so I might be a teensy-weensy bit too picky, but that's beside the point.) What has surprised me is discovering that there's a heap of stuff about men that many women apparently don't get.

I say "apparently," because I'm not basing this conclusion on anything concrete. Just a couple of relationship books which are doing the rounds of my acquaintances and the hearty endorsement coming from the men in their lives.

Yes, I admit it. I read relationship books. And parenting books. And all manner of self-help books. Guilty as charged.

The books can be infuriating. There is only so much advice one can take. But now and again, you come across something enlightening.

For example, grab the nearest man and tell him you are going to ask him to make a hypothetical choice between two negative experiences.

Ask him, "If you had to choose, would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world or inadequate and disrespected by everyone?"

According to a survey by US market research company Decision Analyst, 75 per cent of men would rather feel unloved than disrespected. The male need for respect and affirmation, especially from his partner, is, as one relationships book concluded, hardwired and critical.

For most women it is the opposite: feeling loved and cherished is more important than feeling respected.

So I emailed the hypothetical question to about 20 friends. Sure enough, their answers matched the survey percentages almost exactly.

The problem, we are told, is that while most women do respect the men in their lives, their words and actions convey exactly the opposite.

Women say all sorts of things which communicate to a man that we doubt his judgment and question his abilities. We want to control things, we know how to do everything better than he does, we criticise far too often and we want to ask for directions.

Wanting to stop for directions, instead of winging it, makes many a man think, bizarre though it may sound to women, that we doubt his competence.

"What's more important: being on time or him feeling trusted?" asked one relationships expert. Sigh. Memo to self: try really, really hard next time, not to suggest asking for directions.

Anyway, revelation number two. Women tend to think that being the right weight and having an aesthetically pleasing face is what makes us attractive but, apparently, the critical thing is whether or not we make an effort.

"Some of the sexiest women I've met have been far from slim," confirmed a friend of mine, in his 30s. "But they take care with their appearance and that's what counts."

Men don't need us to fit into the bikini we wore 15 years ago. They do need us to take care of ourselves, because that says, to the male brain, that we care about them.

Apparently, even the most devoted man can feel disregarded and disrespected if his significant other makes no effort at all with her appearance.

"But if a man loves me for who I am," I protested, "It should be OK for me to look sloppy all day."

"But that's the same as a man saying that if you love him, he should be able to spend all weekend in the garage or on the golf course," my friend replied.

It sounds like a 1950s flashback, but it could also be rather liberating. We don't have to look like Angelina Jolie, we just have to make the best of what we've got.

Memo to self: do not hang about the house all day in pyjamas.

Then I read the chapters about sex. Men generally want more than they're getting - no surprises there. But women tend to write off a man's desire for sex as physical rather than emotional. They don't realise, apparently, how much of an "emotional crisis" it is for men when they're not sexually satisfied.

What is more, in the Decision Analyst survey, 97 per cent of men said having sex often enough wasn't the only key. They wanted to feel wanted.

The majority of men surveyed said that even if they were getting all the sex they needed, they would still feel unsatisfied if they felt their partners were doing it reluctantly or simply to accommodate their sexual needs. Memo to self: don't write memos to self in a public forum.

What do I know, anyway? There's no man in this household, I'm a single mum; and the books could well be wrong.

But I was struck by how many of my male friends thought this kind of thing should be required reading for women. So it was worth investigating.

After all, when there's a man drought, a girl needs to know as much as possible about her elusive target.