Sandra Paterson: Antipathy to adoption ignores today's reality

Early last year I began looking into the possibility of adopting a child. (Cue howls of protest about how single women should not be allowed to adopt.) It was something I had thought about for a long time - fuelled by a love of children, my daughter's desire for a sibling and the idea of providing a safe and loving home for an unwanted child.

So to find out more I went to a series of seminars run by CYFS for prospective adoptive parents.

Sitting in a semi-circle of chairs, we were an interesting bunch with many a varied story. Most were infertile couples who had suffered years of dashed hopes and stressful fertility treatment. Others had two or three children but wanted to offer a home to an overseas orphan.

Then there were two or three women on their own, like me, who were considering adopting an infant from Russia or China, the only two countries from which single New Zealanders can adopt.

Certainly it is preferable for a baby to be raised by a mum and dad, we reasoned, but which is better: a life of neglect in an impoverished orphanage or being raised in a healthy environment by a single woman with oodles of love and affection?

Anyway, most of the couples at the seminar wanted to adopt locally in order to get a baby as young as possible, so we spent considerable time learning about open adoption, by which the birth mother stays in touch with the new family.

Open adoption is a far cry from the hush-hush arrangements of a few decades ago - a distinction most people are failing to make in the debate after Don Brash's welfare speech.

His call to make adoption an acceptable option for women with unwanted pregnancies resulted in a predictable uproar about how traumatic and damaging the process was for all concerned.

Back in the 1950s, 60s and early 70s, it certainly was. Adoption agencies went to great lengths to ensure that birth parents and adoptive parents never met - some even had separate entrance-ways - and the new family was given precious little information about the child's biological background.

The baby would be whisked away from the birth mother moments after birth, leaving her with nothing but shame and empty arms.

And, saddest of all, the children themselves were often not told they were adopted until some devastating moment later in life, if ever. It was all about secrets and lies and, although there were exceptions, the usual result was pain and confusion.

Adoption today is radically different and should not be discouraged because of the mistakes of the past. As one social worker said to us at the seminar, it is no longer about the absolute end of one family and the beginning of another, nor does it sever the psychological tie to an earlier family. Rather, it expands the family boundaries of all those who are involved.

Although many adoptive parents are initially fearful of open adoption, worried that the birth mother will be too intrusive, most of them seem to end up appreciating the value of the ongoing contact.

Don Brash's comment about adoption was mainly in reference to teenage mothers.

These days when a teenager finds herself pregnant with no family support, she is usually presented with two options: raise the child on a benefit or have an abortion, neither of which is particularly good for her nor for the country, given spiralling welfare costs and low birth rate.

The fact is that choosing to let the child live and then giving him or her the best life possible through adoption can be tremendously empowering for a young girl as opposed to the psychological fallout of abortion or life on the DPB.

My young friend Karen, for example, became pregnant at the age of 18 when she was travelling in Europe. She didn't want to have an abortion, so she came home and consulted social workers to choose a home for her baby.

"I loved my baby unconditionally and still do, but she needed a stable family environment and an opportunity to be all that she could be. At 12 days old she ceased to be my daughter and became my birth-daughter."

Today, several years later, the two families visit regularly and exchange phone calls and letters. The birth-father, from overseas, has also been to see his daughter.

Karen does not regret her decision: "She was a life in me that I allowed to live and grow, and now her photos are on my walls and her drawings are on my fridge. Although it has been a hard road, it is a rewarding and amazing road."

Personally, after a lot of thought, I decided not to adopt a child, at least not for now. But there are thousands of couples who would do so given the chance, and who, judging by those I met, would make fantastic parents.

Granted, it does not always work out happily but neither does raising one's own biological children. And with one in six couples in this country infertile, 3500 teen parents on benefits and some 3800 teenage girls having abortions every year, surely adoption, at the very least, should be an acceptable option.

* Sandra Paterson, of Mt Maunganui, is a freelance journalist.