Roanne Stout & Anthony Lawler: Dual heritage honoured in families who openly adopt

Opinion

In her article on this page Susan Marks contended that adoption remains much the same as when she gave up a child in the 1970s. But adoption has changed, so much so that today more than 90 per cent of adoptive parents hold a strong commitment to open adoption for their children.

Prospective adoptive parents must attend a Child, Youth and Family programme that educates them about the history of closed adoption, the hurts that existed and still exist for many and the benefits of open adoption for the adopted child.

Ms Marks is right to say that "no law protects any agreement in an open adoption arrangement". But attitude and practice often lead law changes.

Many adoptive families genuinely believe in open adoption and are devastated when a birth parent decides to have no further contact. They, as parents, see the impact on their children.

We are the adoptive parents of two children who are living in an open adoption. Our children know and enjoy the love of both their adoptive and birth families. For us open adoption has meant one family joining another family, minimising our children's loss of relationships. Each shares a common love for the children and want the best for them.

Our children's birth parents and extended birth families are a part of our everyday family life.

We have regular family meals together, we have pop-in visits, we holiday together, a paternal birth grandmother takes her grandson for swimming lessons, they babysit, we visit out-of-town birth grandparents just as we do adoptive grandparents, and birth family proudly display photos of their child or grandchild in their homes. It is all relaxed and natural.

Our children's birth mothers do, understandably, experience grief and loss. But they have told us they do not regret their decisions. They say they have a sense of peace in being a part of their children's growing, and knowing how loved and happy they are.

Research shows birth mothers involved in open adoption are less likely to have unresolved grief.

Children of open adoption still have loss and grief, and have feelings to resolve about their adoption - for example feelings of rejection, and "why was I adopted?" Open adoption means the children can ask questions of everyone involved at a time that is right for them.

Open adoption has allowed us to know our children better by knowing their birth families, including their personalities, their temperaments, their physical attributes and their interests.

Ms Marks asked also "why should teenage mums feel obligated to supply children for adoption just because they are young?" and said that "adoption is far from an acceptable option and should be discouraged".

Mothers, whatever their age, should be genuinely and fully supported to parent their own child.

Equally, however, pregnant woman should be supported and entitled to make a well-informed adoption decision if they choose.

CYF social workers ensure that a pregnant woman and the father (if involved) are fully informed of an adoption decision. They also discuss all the options, including parenting the child themselves, or the child remaining within the extended family.

Ms Marks talks further of the loss of the link between past and future generations. Open adoption maintains the links between our children and their birth families. They know their heritage and roots.

Our children will always have two absolutely real families, one by birth and one by adoption.

All of this highlights the fact that adoption has changed greatly.

We will always honour our children's dual heritage. Our relationships with our children's birth families have been rewarding, enriching and humbling, and we see this continuing forever.

Although every situation is unique, many other people living in an open adoption share our experiences.

* Roanne Stout and Anthony Lawler chair the Open Adoption Network. They are responding to Susan Marks' view that in most cases adoption should not even be mentioned as a possibility, so severe are its consequences for mother and child.