Paul Thomas: Lions give us lessons on spin

As a public-spirited columnist hot-wired to the zeitgeist, I'm occasionally asked to interpret perplexing cultural phenomena.

Today's question comes from Don B. of Auckland, a former technocrat who'd like to try his hand at running a small but relatively advanced country.

He asks: "What's this spin I keep hearing about and what can it do for me?"

Well, Don, the short answer is plenty. Let's say you're a British rugby player prone to what sports psychologists call "white line fever". In layman's terms, this means when you get on a rugby field, you start behaving like a 2m-tall version of Hannibal Lechter.

Most coaches would have written you off as an embarrassment, a liability and a blight on the game, but your coach - let's call him "Sir" - keeps picking you regardless.

The first time Sir brought you to New Zealand, you kicked an All Black in the head and got red-carded. You missed Sir's second foray down here because you'd been suspended for foul play back home.

Last year you stamped on an All Black's head and were banned for six weeks. Sir hardly noticed that one because he was too busy slagging off the match officials after one of your team-mates copped a red card for kneeing an All Black in the back.

Last week you bit the All Black hooker. Well, it filled a gap in your resume and, besides, why should those Springboks have all the fun?

When you were duly banned for two months, it occurred to you that this made it three out of three: three tours of New Zealand, three brain explosions, three suspensions. The media would have a field day but you wouldn't be the only one in the firing line; they'd dump on Sir for giving you yet another opportunity to disgrace yourself.

When you conveyed your apprehension to Sir, he just smiled his evil pixie smile and said, "One word, son: spin."

Even so, it was with considerable trepidation that you picked up the local paper the next day. O ye of little faith! Sir had done it again.

First he'd cited the All Black captain. Some coaches would have been discouraged when the commissioner decided there was no case to answer. Not Sir: his motto is "when the going gets tough, the bile starts flowing."

And so 24 hours after he'd been cleared, the headline on the front-page story in the All Black captain's hometown newspaper was "Umaga in gun over tackle footage." Tucked away on the bottom of the back page was a much smaller story about the Lions' bad boy banned for biting.

That's what spin can do for you, Don. It can turn black into white and vice versa.

Before the Lions tour, Colin Meads declared it was essential for rugby's sake that they were defeated. If they won, the Clive Woodward formula - the $23 million, cast-of-thousands juggernaut - would become the template for future tours.

That danger has receded. It seems unlikely that a similar travelling circus will hit the road any time soon. It is essential the All Blacks and their captain ride out this storm and finish the job without showing any sign of being affected by the pressure placed on them by this hardball propaganda campaign.

If that seems like an over-statement, consider the lengths the Lions have gone to.

First Brian O'Driscoll held a press conference to denounce Tana Umaga in recklessly emotive terms. He claimed that the tackle/clean-out could have broken his neck - thereby ensuring "I could've died" headlines - and implicitly accused Umaga of acting with malice.

Later Woodward presented a sound and light show for the media featuring slow-motion replays of the incident and more inflammatory language.

Even though the matter had been dealt with, they devoted an entire day to denigrating the All Black captain. Why? To take Woodward at his word, everything he does is done for a reason and planned to within an inch of its life, so what was he trying to achieve?

He's achieved two things: he's deflected pressure off himself and on to the All Black captain and he's done significant and lasting damage to Umaga's reputation.

This tour was never going to be a heart-warming affair from the moment Woodward made the self-aggrandising gesture of co-opting Tony Blair's spin doctor.

The alienating effect of the monstrous touring party has been reinforced by precious and self-important behaviour towards their hosts. There was also the ill-mannered hypocrisy of the Lions management threatening future Lions teams would base themselves in Melbourne and play test matches only if All Black squad members won't turn out for their provinces.

The All Blacks can do rugby a great service by putting the Lions to the sword tonight. If they do, it should ensure it will be a long time before another coach resorts to a smear campaign directed at the opposing captain.