Kerre Woodham: Yoga bad for your health

I wasn't at all surprised to read that an experimental exercise programme for dangerous Norwegian crims has come to an abrupt and early end.

The experiment involved a yoga teacher coming into Ringerike Prison - the equivalent of our Paremoremo - and teaching the inmates the basic principles of cobras, camels and cat stretches.

The aim was to still the troubled souls of the inmates and promote calmness and tranquillity.

Instead, some of the inmates became more aggressive, irritable and agitated and reported they had trouble sleeping.

I know how the bad boys feel. I've tried yoga, and my experiences are much the same as those of the criminals.

Trying to contort oneself into physically impossible positions while maintaining an even, steady breathing flow is difficult enough.

As I'm bending over, twisting sideways and peering back through my legs, I always feel like the female figure in the notorious Alex Comfort's Joy of Sex.

But far worse than attempting the physical discipline of yoga is the meditation aspect.

I lie still, trying to breathe deeply and slowly and clear my mind of clutter, and all I can think of is ephemera.


My mind races along, wishing that the slow-talking instructor trying to guide us to our happy place would speak a bit faster, because if I could get home within the next quarter of an hour I could put out the washing before I walked the dog, and should I go to the supermarket on the way home from the gym or should I risk the after-school crowd at 3.30pm and did I pay Metrowater and if I came to five classes a week would yoga make me look like the gorgeous young thing in front of me?

And then you get cross with yourself for not having the strength of character and wellspring of spirit to be able to elevate yourself beyond the temporal and on to the higher plane and then you pick up your mat and leave the class five minutes early so you can beat the rest of the crowd to the showers.

Nothing makes me more irritable and agitated than a yoga class. I'm sure it's marvellous for spiritual souls but for the deeply shallow like me, I can recommend kickboxing.

Maybe if the prisoners could belt the living bejesus out of one another in a supervised environment, and release their aggression and anxiety that way, they'd find they had better chi. I know it works for me.

- HERALD ON SUNDAY