Kerre Woodham: Lovely city has much to endure

It says much for what the good people of Tauranga have endured during this election campaign that when a crazed Slovenian claiming to have a bomb in his suitcase threatens to blow himself and the central city to kingdom come, the people see it as just another sideshow.

What was worse? Winston Peters in his insufferable secret squirrel mode? Bob the Builder's infamous left testicle (can this be what the Americans mean by a dangling chad?). Bob's fascination with pocket billiards has probably been the least savoury aspect of the campaign. There's nothing attractive about an old goat talking about his genitalia. He should stick to the Gee whiskeybangs school of politicking and keep his crotch out of conversation.

What about the improbably named Vivienne d'Or, sweeping in from Oz to add a touch of faded, jaded glam to the affair?

It was all vintage Sylvania Waters. Then, just when the dust from this unseemly stoush is settling, along comes a refugee from a bizarre sect who holes up in the tony Hotel on Devonport and demands that Helen Clark be brought to him immediately so she can sort out his student visa.

Instead he got the full force of the New Zealand Police and an offer from Winston to come and sort out his immigration issues. Winston? Sorting out a foreigner's immigration status? Oh, rich irony. Not surprisingly, the police told Winston they'd handle the situation themselves, thanks very much, and handle it they did in an expeditious and textbook-perfect fashion, storming the hotel and carting the bloke off to accommodation considerably less salubrious than the hotel.

The hundreds of people who'd been evacuated from the vicinity made the most of the golden weather and seemed to be fairly relaxed about the whole affair, although I am worried about the woman who was evacuated from a hairdressing salon with the foils still in her hair. I'm hoping she managed to find a way of getting the job done before the dye ate its way into her skull.

I lived in Tauranga years ago as a junior woodchuck reporter and I can't imagine what Tauranga has done to deserve all this nonsense. It's a lovely city full of good people. May they have three years of peace and quiet and may they never, ever have to put up with this sort of bollocks again.

- HERALD ON SUNDAY