Jonathan Milne: What the Terminator would have said to Act conference

The Act party failed in its bid to have movie star turned California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appear at this weekend's party conference. But in a world exclusive, the Herald on Sunday has obtained notes from the speech he would have given.

Good morning Act, good morning Auckland, good morning Australia.

My name is Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I am ze governor of California.

You may know me as ze greatest action movie star ever, but I just use my muscles as a conversation piece, like someone valking a cheetah down 42nd Street.

I am here today because you and I share many of ze same values: free enterprise, getting government off your back, lowering taxes and ze right to defend your family vith semi-automatic weapons.

I migrated from Austria to California, believing zat a poor, scrawny immigrant boy could grow up to be president.

And your leader wrote in support of an immigrant from California, so he could grow up to run a libertarian bookshop selling a small selection of "adult" books and magazines.

Yes, freedom is a vonderful zing - though I am not sure about ze vay this bookshop owner and your leader Rodney Hide are supporting civil unions.

As I said last year, "I zink zat gay marriage should be between a man and a voman".

Ze decision about a career in politics is difficult. My decision to run for ze governorship vas ze most important decision I've had to make since 1978, ven I decided to get a bikini vax.

But judging by Richard Prebble's inability to decide ven to retire from Parliament, ze decision to depart politics must be more painful still.

I know zat Act is struggling in ze polls, vith ze election closing in faster zan a sprinting Terminator.

So I vould pass on ze advice I gave ven I vas seeking ze governorship.

Ze economy: ze public doesn't care about figures.

Economic pessimists: I say, don't be economic girlie men.

Big government: It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Health system: ze best activities for your health are pumping and humping.

Environment: Don't vorry about zat.

My advice to Rodney Hide is follow my lead.

Ven I vas 15 years old, I took off my clothes and looked in ze mirror.

Ven I stared at myself naked, I realised vat I needed to do.

You have to see yourself vinning before you vin.

And you have to be hungry. You have to vant to conquer.

Are you hungry, Rodney? Are you hungry, Act?

Unfortunately, Act founder Roger Douglas is not speaking today.

But he has asked me to give you a message: "I'll be back."

Whether ze same can be said of ze Act party after zis year's election is another matter.

And so I vould like to repeat to you one of my great lines from ze movie Ze Running Man: "I'm not into politics, I'm into survival".