Jim Hopkins: We need a land where everyone benefits from benefits

It was probably inevitable. Particularly since there's heaps of mean-spirited people in Outer Roa whose lack of generosity is manifest in their constant carping about politicians compulsorily removing large wads of dosh from their overweight wallets.

Nice people don't object, of course. We think it's lovely when benevolent list MPs do a Jenny Craig on our bank balances. We're grateful they've given themselves the right to thrust their compassionate fingers into our bulging pockets and remove whatever loose change they need for their own charitable purposes - like re-election.

Nice people think that's wonderful. We love it when politicians take our money and miraculously transform it into "Government funds", which they then claim credit for spending. Honestly, we can't get enough of it - mainly because they've got most of it already.

But us nice people do note the constant whinging of others; the orchestrated litany of wails from the GDF (generosity-deficient folk) in our midst. These Scrooge-the-poor pinchpennies continually denounce "Gummint profligacy" and such in a florid and extravagant manner.

In a nice world, this wouldn't matter but, alas, all those geediffs (generosity-deficient folk) are allowed to vote, unfortunately. So we'll always have unscrupulous politicians willing to pander to the base instincts of this egregious group.

Indeed, we've heard one this week. A child of the manse, no less, but still prepared to mount a flinty attack "on the most vulnerable people in our society", that meagre handful of people commonly known as "bunnafusharees".

From a nice perspective, the worst feature of Orewa II is that Don Brash appears once again to have touched a septic nerve. Despite the best endeavours of prominent nice person (and Green Leader of the Joints) Ms Sue Bedford (who had the good sense to condemn the speech before it was delivered), some 88 per cent of the 9534 callers in a Helenvision New Zealand Susi-Poll said they thought he was on the right track.

Well, all that proves is that the fat cats have the phones. Right?

There's no other logical explanation. After all, an attack on benefits is an attack on the very fabric of our electoral system, especially when the parsimonious former economist's remedies include slashing payments and cutting numbers holus bolus and across the board.

Worse still, he wants any benefits that remain to have all manner of clauses and conditions attached. There'll either be tougher health rules or you'll have to do something totally unnecessary, such as reveal the name of the baby's father - as if you could remember.

It's unspeakable. Dammit, the man will be saying next that he wants people to turn up to work or they won't get a pay packet. No nice-minded person can countenance such codswallop. It's as reactionary as saying, "keep the old flag".

Somebody should tell Dr Brash to pull his hard-hearted head in. There's nothing wrong with benefits, Sir. And nothing wrong with 300,000 working-age bunnafusharees, either. What we need is a lot more. Of both. And the sooner the better.

We don't want to scrap the DPB. We should be adding to it. We should have an APB (All Purposes Benefit) and a BPB (Benefit Payers' Benefit) and a CPB (Cash Payments Benefit) and an EPB as well, even if we can't think what it stands for. Basically, we should have as many benefits as we have people.

So, come on, Sir. Do the decent thing. Give us an FPB (Future Purposes Benefit) and an HPB (Hipkins Poetry Benefit) and an MPB (Members' Parliamentary Benefit ) - oh no, they get that already, but you get the point.

Don't bring it on, bring it in. Introduce the XBB (an Xbox Benefit for people who can't afford PlayStations) and the ZPB (Zero Penalties Benefit). Only then will you be able to sleep easy in your (luxurious, four-poster) bed.

You see, Sir, we need to extend the State's caring hand, not clench its fiscal fist. We need the kind of compassion so nicely articulated by that nice minister, Mr Hairy Maharey, when he publicly castigated you for cruelly suggesting that solo mums wouldn't get a benefit unless they fingered the father.

"We're dealing with this," said Mr Mahairey, "without sweeping decency aside like Dr Brush. We've got teams of people knocking on doors saying 'It would be a good idea if you thought about telling us his name because it might affect your payments'."

And he's on the money, matey. So, before you turn one night's passion into a lifelong GST (Guy's Sperm Tax) imagine how nice it would be if the IRD behaved like that.

Knock, knock. Who's there? "Hello, we're from Inland Revenue and we notice you haven't been paying your taxes lately. That's a bit naughty, isn't it? So we thought we'd pop around to see if you'll change your mind and do the right thing. It'd make you feel much better. If you're feeling conflicted, we've got mobile counselling teams who could call in and help you work through your confliction. There's no pressure. Just have a think about it. You might decide it's a good idea. Toodle-ooo."

Now, that's the kind of country we want, Sir. That's the kind of country we need. A country where everyone benefits from benefits. A country where three million - not 300,000 - enjoy the sympathetic approach so wonderfully explained by nice Mr Mahairey.

It's not to late, Doc. You can change the prescription; do the speech again. Just give us some nice medicine to swallow. Cos you can rest assured we'll swallow it.