Jim Hopkins: Time to stop the yelling and start the shouting

Cue titles and presenter

Presenter: Welcome to ClosedUp, it's lovely to be back. Later tonight, a tribute to a famous New Zealander, but first, it's been a hideous fortnight for my special guest. It's fair to say she's been through hell. Brutal, bumbling, call them what you will, her opponents did everything to crush her. But did they? This humble heroine joins me now ... Good evening, Susan.

Guest: Good evening, Susan.

Presenter: I must say you're looking lovely ... considering your dreadful ordeal.

Guest: I know. I'm a victim, but it's amazing what a weekend in the Bahamas can do when things are completely ...

Presenter: Unbearable?

Guest: (Lip trembling) Yes ... People don't understand, you see. They can't, of course. They only see the profile, they never see the person. Or the pain. They don't realise that beneath the glamour there's ... (Sigh) ... even more glamour.

Presenter: And pressure?

Guest: Oh, so much pressure. Premieres, publicity, wedding plans. It never stops. And, there's always the secret fear that something awful might happen, you know, like accidentally locking myself in the wardrobe...

Presenter: You told The Woman's Weepy about that, didn't you?

Guest: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. I think it made me more ... human. But the fear it might happen again, or that I'm photographed with spinach on my teeth, never goes away.

Presenter: You poor thing.

Guest: I'm not sure "poor" is a word many people would use, but I know what you mean. Oh, well, at least they didn't sell my clothes.

Presenter: Wasn't that shocking???

Guest: Oh, yes! I mean, some of them weren't even Dior. Poor Judy...

Presenter: She is getting a shopping trip out of it.

Guest: Huh!! Knowing our lot it'll be St Vincent de Paul in Otahuhu! If it were me, I'd be saying "It's Paris or the Employment Relations Authority, sunshine!" I can't believe it. Maybe that horrid little man, Ralston - with whom I maintain a warm and professional working relationship, my lawyer wishes to add - maybe he thought the ratings would climb if he had nudesreaders, I don't know.

Presenter: No Charter, just a garter perhaps? "Good evening, here is the Nudes," that sort of thing.

Guest: You're quite good at this, aren't you?

Presenter: Thank you, Susan.

Guest: You're welcome, Susan.

Presenter: I'm not sure I will be after my next question. It's a hard one, you know, but that's why I've got the toughest job in television ...

Guest: Ummm, I think you'll find I've got the toughest job in television ...

Presenter: I don't think so.

Guest: Suit yourself! (Brusque) What's your question?

Presenter: How hurt were you when the Employment chappie said there's a view that salaries like yours are "extreme, extravagant and even obscene"?

Guest: I can understand why ordinary people might think that but only because they don't realise how hard it is getting up night after night to slug it out ...

Presenter: ... As we are ...

Guest: Exactly. Not to mention being well read and having a broad range of interests. It's like Miss World - and no one complains about her salary!!! Or Daniel Carter's and he gets Welsh ladies free!!! Look, the programme's on air five nights a week, 50 weeks a year. That's 250 shows, right? Well, $450,000 divided by 250 is only $1800 a programme.

Presenter: Before tax...

Guest: Exactly. $1800 wouldn't buy you a five-second commercial. People should realise that.

Presenter: So you think the salary's reasonable?

Guest: Of course! More to the point, my penny-pinching, mean-spirited bosses - with whom I enjoy a sensual and loving professional relationship, my lawyer wishes to add - can't reduce it.

Presenter: You're not worried they might replace you with something worthy like a programme for new immigrants starring Taito Phillip Field?

Guest: No way! I don't think I'll be sitting round doing nothing. Not on $400,000 odd. I can't imagine Ian Fraser tolerating that.

Presenter: Well, it's lovely to have you. And lovely to know you're not yelling at the kids any more.

Guest: Heavens no! I'm not yelling, I'm shouting...

Presenter: Shouting!?!?!

Guest: Yup! New wardrobes. Private tutors. Trips to Oz. Wouldn't you on $450,000.00?

Presenter: Yes, I think I would.

Turns to camera 2

Well, as you know, Rod Donald was buried - much too young - in Christchurch yesterday so we've invited the extinguished poet laureate to offer this tribute to Rod ...

Your ends were goals we all could share

Your means another matter

Some saw you as an eco-Saint, and

Some as a mad hatter

But which is not important now

Far better to discuss

Is how you met your maker

In a big red public bus

And be that maker sentient

Or just insensate earth

It takes a good and funny man

To take his leave with mirth

And there's the thing that really counts

It's character, not cause

It's fire and drive and passion

And each of these were yours

Unseen in life but seen clear now

Is the lesson of your style -

The difference between fanatic and fervour is

That fervour wears a smile

And that you wore in all your roles

Though your crusades start anew

But the world would be a better place

If we could just recycle you