Jim Hopkins: Sightings rumoured - elusive creatures seen

From Our Gardening Reporter: The normally sedate world of science is all agog following reports that two rare and elusive creatures have been sighted in the dark and mysterious wilderness areas of Wellington.

The sightings, still unconfirmed, climax a thrilling month for science which began when Japanese zoologists captured exclusive footage of the elusive and enormous Full Squid in the murky waters of Cook Strait.

Previously, only photographs of the much smaller Not The Full Squid, which is very common in Wellington, had ever been obtained.

There was further excitement when DNA evidence confirmed reports that the Giant Fiordland Mouse (released for game purposes in 1910) was still alive in that dank wilderness.

Now another dank wilderness is the focus of attention after several Corrections officers claimed they had glimpsed "a fierce and terrifying" species while pursuing a barefoot overstayer who had previously eluded them twice.

Based on these eyewitness accounts, botanists think the creature is the rare Somaliseizosaurus (Pterrorcaptor Australis), previously believed to be extinct.

News of the Pterrorcaptor sighting has been welcomed by the leader of New Zealand's crack Anti-Terror Squad, Colonel "Rock" Mellon.

"It'd be great if they've got one," said Colonel Mellon. "We haven't had much luck on the terror front lately.

"That Haji joker got away at Wellington airport and we couldn't ***DEFUSE*** that damn 'bomb' in Christchurch, either. Plus, you've got that flamin' plane on election night the cops said they couldn't do anything about."

Although Colonel Mellon challenges that last assumption - "Let's face it, they could've given him a speeding ticket" - he acknowledges there have been "some b@%*&y serious" problems and that "a Somaliseizosaurus or two might come in handy".

"My challenge to the terrorists is, 'Are you man enough to wait till we've got one?' At least then we can make it a fair fight."

Meanwhile, DOC says it will oppose attempts to breed the Pterrorcaptor. "We'd probably wipe it out," says Department spokesperson, Fiona Kakapo-Mayting, "like those rare seaweed eating cows on the Auckland Islands. If it's not indigenous, it doesn't stand a chance with us."

Controversy also swirls around alleged sightings of a second unusual creature, the Grand Coalition.

"Frankly, I doubt it," says experienced political commentator, Colin Bailey-Campbell-James. "I'm aware a Grand Coalition has been sighted in Germany but you'll never see one in a civilised country like ours," he says.

He notes Labour and National have "got together before, in wartime, and for important things like parliamentary superannuation, but there's no evidence they're mating at present. I don't think we'll see a Nabour Gummint, put it that way." Mr Bailey-Campbell-James suspects the sighting is, in fact, an Alpegreef (a Labour Progressive Green New Zealand First creature) "just finding its feet".

"You can forget the Nabours," he says. "We won't be getting 49 per cent tax cuts and 51 per cent interest-free student loans or anything like that. Look, you don't make 80 per cent of the voters rather happy when you can bodge together a ramshackle arrangement that might satisfy 50 per cent. That's not how politics works."

Mr Campbell-Bailey-James says, "Now the Anglicans and Catholics are getting on fine, it's essential we keep at least one irrational hostility alive and well. And that might just be what Parliament is trying to preserve."

A hair found in the vicinity of the Grand Coalition sighting has revealed no DNA whatsoever.

Footnote: We're always honoured to publish works from the extinguished poet laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins but today is particularly special insofar as this stirring work will be jointly performed by Mr Hipkins and the Patron Saint of Legal Aid, Ahmed Zaoui, in what is thought to be the first joint poetry reading in any metropolitan newspaper. Take it away, guys ...

"Errrchem ... Sank you, sank you very much [in stereo]."

There's Hell, there's Hades
And Perdition
But, worst of all
There's coalition
The measure of a victory hollow
Wheeling, dealing
Pride to swallow
Abandon policies and pride
All to get some votes on side
A hellish pact, its spirit sour
Simperly to stay in power!
And that is why - we'll have you know
We'd rather vote for Burt Munro!

"Sank you. Sank you. Zis is a beautiful country. I think we're going to cry!"