Jim Hopkins: Conversations with a conservative fundamentalist

When my dear old, long-suffering aunty rang up and said, "You should come round and keep Norm company", I knew she'd reached the end of her tether.

So, mindful that the old grouch still hadn't decided who'd inherit the bach I surreptitiously swallowed one of Irihapeti's tranquilisers and set off.

He was at the computer when I arrived, studying a full set of those cartoons which he'd found on some inflammatory website.

"Well," yelled Norm, cutting straight to the issue du jour, "do y'reckon they shoulda been published?"

"To be honest, Uncle," I said, bracing myself for the inevitable tirade, "I'm deeply conflicted about this. Deeply conflicted. On the one hand, there's free speech - and no one could be more in favour of free speech than I am. But ..."

"That's right," interrupted Norm. "Free speech is just free will with the volume up, inn't? You can't tell me any self-respecting religion would complain about that!"

"Ah, but, they have!" I replied. "And that's why I'm conflicted, you see. I just wonder if perhaps we shouldn't be completely free with our free speech. Perhaps this is one absolute right we should only exercise in moderation. Especially when you consider the outrage these scribbles have caused."

"Fair enough," said Norm. "If you throw a big enough tantrum then you should get your own way."

"No I'm not saying that!!!" I snapped. "What we're seeing is not a tantrum. It's a genuine expression of violated beliefs, Norm!!! Something you probably wouldn't understand!!!"

"Oh, I understand it all right," he chuckled, picking up the phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked apprehensively.

"I'm ringing the monsigneur," he said. "I'd better tell him his lot made a huge mistake just lodging polite protests over that bloomin' Virgin in a Condom. They shoulda burnt down Te Papa! Then they mighta got some respect. An apology, perhaps. Or a summit meeting with the Human Rights Commissioner - and a promise it wouldn't happen again!"

"With respect, Uncle," I snapped, "no one's advocating intemperance or anarchy ..."

"Except in Beirut ..."

"... but this is a calculated affront. I mean, drawing a bomb in his hat is a gross insult to the Prophet Muhammad."

"Don't be daft," scoffed Norm. "Look, boy, that cartoon's not about the Prophet, it's about the way people have twisted his teachings. Even I can see that. It's no different from puttin' the Star of David in the word 'apartheid' in that cartoon they showed on telly the other night, you know, the one the Herald did publish. They're both using religious symbols to criticise what some fanatics do in the name of faith. And there's nothing wrong with that, sonny Jim."

"Look, Norm," I responded, "we must understand, in the Muslim world, any image of the Prophet is regarded as offensive and blasphemous."

"And blowing up holiday resorts or flying planes into buildings isn't?" roared the old codger.

"Norman," I said, firmly, "it's entirely improper - and culturally insensitive - to condemn a whole faith because of the actions of a militant few."

"A militant few million, you mean," he retorted indignantly. "Say what y'like," he continued, "I don't see thousands on the streets protesting every time Mr bin Laden lets off another bomb!!"

I could see he wasn't going to change his stubbornly mono-cultural, Eurocentric view so I decided to change tack.

"Well, like it or not, Norm," I said ruefully, "we trade with them, and publishing these images could cost us millions of dollars."

"Okay," retorted Norm, still belligerent, "suppose Uncle Sam turns up next week and says, 'You guys can have a Free Trade Agreement worth two billion dollars and y'can have it by lunchtime provided you drop this nuclear-free nonsense. Should we do it?"

"Definitely not," I replied indignantly. "That is a fundamental point of principle which defines us as a nation and we should certainly not abandon it for some dubious financial benefit!!!"

"Fair enough," said Norm. "And I guess you'd wanna keep the principle of free speech right up there too, yes?"

"Ummmm ..."

"Tell you what," he continued, "I'll tell Mr Jihad and his chums that we'll stick up for his religious freedom if he'll tolerate our irreligious freedom too. Sound fair?"

"Not at present, Norm. Not when things are escalating out of control. Not when they're running a competition in Iran to see who can draw the best cartoon about the Holocaust. What we need now is moderation and restraint."

"You mean people should stop killing Dutch film-makers who dare to expose wifebeating?" he snorted.

"No ... well, yes," I spluttered, "but I was really thinking of the need for Western societies to temper their pluralistic, secular liberalism with a financially prudent appreciation of the spiritual sensitivities of other ethnicities."

"You mean censorship?" he said brusquely.

"It's a complex world, Norm," I retaliated. "... There are no simple ...

"I suppose you're in favour of those Yankee gridiron jokers censoring the Rolling Stones, too?" he interjected.

"Of course not!" I protested, finally losing my temper. "It's absolutely absurd. There's no way we should pander to the puritanical sensibilities of a bunch of conservative fundamentalists. It's utterly ridiculous."

And you can just imagine what he said next.