Jim Hopkins: Common usage demystified by an eminent erudologist

He's the man Him Kill can't kill! Every week on the Him Kill Show, he shares his expertise and scholarship with a gobsmacked audience continually astounded by his unfailing ability to explain the origin of obscure words and phrases.

So vast is his encyclopaedic knowledge that Max Cryogenic testifies in complex court cases where issues of guilt or innocence hang on the public understanding of an expression.

And today the Harold welcomes our most distinguished erudologist to its pages, answering puzzled readers' queries in a column he has simply entitled Gosh, I'm Brilliant.

Dear Max,

Could you explain this odd phrase, "fare dinkum"?

Yrs, the Commerce Commission.

Dear Commerce Commission,

By all means. The term "fare dinkum" is a corruption of the much-loved antipodean expression, "fair dinkum" which is, in turn, an abbreviation of the old Gaelic phrase, "Faere dinch cum prattie gonnagoch eisteddfod nobble, och aye", which most entomologists agree is best translated as, "Would let you use my sporran as a lav brush if I thought it would help."

After being introduced to Australia by Irish potato smugglers in the late-18th century, the phrase lost its hygienic connotations and became an exemplar of absolute sincerity, as in, "Schapelle Corby and Michael Jackson are an item. Fair dinkum!"

By modifying this phrase, the airline is trying to persuade travellers that its "fare dinkum" prices are genuine and don't include hidden levies for such things as their "complementary" mineral water or the boiled lolly. Such deception would have undoubtedly encouraged unsuspecting Kiwis to "do a Norris" and head for Australia as quickly as possible.

Kind regards, Max.

Dear Max,

Is "baloney"a swear word?

Yrs, Donny B

Dear Donny B,

Yes it is - for Presbyterians, anyway. Harden up, big guy. Kind regards, Max

Dear Max,

Much as I endeavour to insulate myself from the crass vulgarities of our age (I won't have a TV in the house, for example), I do occasionally hear perplexing expressions of a coarse nature.

For example, I have noticed people in all walks of life (including an announcer on the Concert Programme) using the term "Tum Shudbolt". If it's not too shocking, could you enlighten me as to the meaning of this bizarre expression?

Yrs, Puzzled of Remuera

Dear Puzzled,

Well, it is shocking, I'm afraid, so I hope you have some smelling salts handy. (They do offer an excellent hand-ground range at Smith and Caughey's.)

As for the expression, what I suspect you heard was not "Tum Shudbolt" but rather "Tim Shadbolt" who is, apparently, a real person, although I've been unable to verify that.

It appears he has managed to become the Mayor of Invernobyl and is credited with "putting Invernobyl on the map" although why anyone would bother is a mystery to Brian Moore.

Because you don't have a TV you will be unaware that Mr Shadbolt has also made a series of inept appearances on Dancing With The Stars, which has led some untutored souls to claim he has also "put dancing on the floor". This is not correct. It would be more accurate to say he has "turned Tyson" and put it on the canvas. One last thing. If you ever meet Dick Hubbard, don't mention Tim Shadbolt. It would only upset the invisible man.

Kind regards, Max

Dear Max,

Everywhere I go, I hear people saying, "Tax cuts! Tax cuts! Tax cuts!" This has never been part of my vocabulary. What can it mean?

Yrs, Dr M. Cullen

Dear Dr Cullen,

You are very wise not to use the term "tax cuts". In this day, they are as elusive as the unicorn and, like that fabled creature, may not exist.

Some taxithologists are predicting sightings in three years but they stress any tax cuts spotted will be very small indeed and quickly devoured by the voracious Inflationarii Presha.

In that regard, it is salutary to note statements by several MPs that "there's no free tax cuts", thereby demonstrating how clearly they regard our wages as their own.

Kind regards, Max

Dear Max,

Would the term "High Commissioner" mean someone is using drugs?

Yrs, Mr J Hunt (pensioner-in-waiting)

Dear Mr Hunt,

In Graham Kelly's case, almost certainly so. Although I notice the intemperate fellow has said "I'm sorry" which, in New Zealand, now means exactly the same as "I resign".

 

Kind regards, Max.

Dear Max,

I recently received this lovely verse from the extinguished poet laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins:

Someone should tell Graham Kelly

Advise him right now on the comms

The Maoris aren't eating each other

They're too busy eating the Poms.

Does it make any sense to you?

Yrs, The Editor

Dear Editor,

No.

Kind regards, Max