Jim Hopkins: Blame the Babylonians for putting paid to tax cuts

Brace yourselves, folks. It's going to be a tax election. Heck, they even had a Tax-cut Special on telly last night, during which the proponents of cuts passionately declared that "the country's doomed if we don't have them" while critics equally passionately asserted "the country is doomed if we do!"

Which isn't much help to a swinging voter. Therefore, to provide some context and help you understand the background to the debate, we proudly present ...

A short history of taxation

No one's quite sure where taxes started, although historians generally agree they began in the Cradle of Civilisation, which is what the Middle East was called before Osama bin Laden came along.

It was the Babylonians who got the bill rolling, mainly so they could build some Hanging Gardens for their public executions.

Naturally, this laudable endeavour required a great deal of cash (or Ducats as it was known then; hence the expression "Buckets of Ducats") and so it all began.

Some believe King Tut was the first to impose any kind of levy, which may explain why people still say "Tut, tut" whenever taxes are mentioned.

However, whichever King it was; Tut, Tat, Tot, Tit or Toot, some of the earliest clay tablets discovered by dermatologists display cuneiform characters referring to tax payable after the sale of a slave.

This tax was called GST, or Good Slaves Tax, and probably isn't relevant today, since we don't have slaves any more; unless you count taxpayers who don't get to keep any of the money they've earned in any given year until sometime round about halfway through May. Or June, if you add Petrol Tax. Or July, if you include Rates. Or August, if you smoke - by which time you're probably dead anyway.

Not much happened on the tax front for a few millennia after King Thingamejig.

The Egyptians did fund some Think Big projects through a Pyramid Scheme but that ended when the beautiful Cleopatra fell in love with handsome Roman Consort, Richardii Burton.

After that, the Romans conquered everybody, principally so they could enjoy a complex legal system, and for several hundred years something known as the Tax Romana kept everybody poor but happy.

Unfortunately, the Romans drank water from lead pipes so they all went potty and the Barbarians took over.

They were a disgusting (and rather smelly) blend of Goths, Visigoths, Huns and Vandals who were far too busy raping and pillaging to study accountancy so there was a long period during which no one paid any taxes at all.

This was known as The Dark Ages, partly because they couldn't get any pylons erected during election years.

Eventually, people got tired of being kept in the Dark Ages and invented Feudalism, where they didn't need taxes because the lords owned everybody.

For instance, if you were a farmer, everything you grew belonged to the Baron. And if you were the farmer's fiancee, well, the Baron could txt you whenever he felt like to say "Get yr gear off, pumpkin, yr spnding the honeymoon with me. Don't r gue!!" And generally speaking, people didn't.

The next big initiative came when medieval clerics devised something known as tithes, still echoed in the oft-heard remark, "Aunty Mildred has never cut her tithes with the church."

Tithes differed from taxes in two regards. First, you only paid 10 per cent of your income (wouldn't that be nice?) and, second, you actually got something for it; specifically, eternal life. Provided you paid your tithes on time you received a Papal Indulgence; essentially a one-way ticket to heaven, no questions asked.

Later, other novel taxes were imposed, notably by King James in England who "soaked the rich" with a glass tax.

Glass was a luxury, you see, and the tax explains why a sheet of the stuff is now known as a pane.

Ironically, the rich ignored the tax, flaunted their wealth by putting in extra windows; a trend that still survives in Remuera, although nowadays the glass is usually directly above the wheels of a Lamborghini.

Those who regard income tax as absolutely essential will be shocked to learn it wasn't actually imposed until quite late in the 19th century, making it a very, very recent arrival on the scene.

Indeed, if you treat the 4 million years of human evolution as 1 minute, then income tax has only been around for half a nano-second. Despite this, many now assume it's a sacred cow to be milked at their pleasure.

Persons holding this view include politicians, naturally, as well as people planning their next overseas hip-hop tour, et al art exhibition, trip to the Cannes Film Festival or slap-up KFC dinner for well-behaved inmates.

Others of a similar mind are those seeking to run airlines, win yachting trophies, sign Protocols, object to speedways or build huge multi-purpose sports stadiums that will only be used three times a year.

Obviously, before such grandiose projects get income tax funding, an income tax funded feasibility study is required to ensure they're actually feasible but, fortunately, they always are.

Which is why we need income taxes and why only the meanest and flintiest candidate would ever dream of telling the electorate: "My first duty as a parliamentarian is to leave as much money in your pocket as I possibly can."

Thank goodness the Babylonians put the mockers on that sort of nonsense.