Greg Dixon's weekend

UP SILVERSTREAM WITHOUT A PADDLE

You'd have thought that Education Minister Trevor the Drake Mallard wouldn't have time for such carrying on, what with New Zealand's largest tertiary outfit, Te Wananga o Aotearoa, under investigation for running guns to Cuba or something and an NCEA pass looking less useful than a Maccas two-chunder-burgers-for-the-price-of-one discount voucher. However, this week the Drake and Cabinet colleague Rockin' Steve Maharey, with the decline and fall of New Zealand's education system imminent, found time to challenge two Green MPs to a bike ride. The plan was to cycle like the wind from Wainuiomata to Parliament. Such machismo. Sadly for the Labour team, however, Rockin' Steve took a wrong turn and they ended up in Silverstream - the equivalent of heading for the North Shore and ending up in Greenlane. But in true Labour style, they were spin-doctoring their cock-up before they even caught their breath. Their defence: one of the Greens got lost, too.

WHEN GOOD PRESS RELEASES GO BAD

From a statement issued by New Zealand Qualifications Authority spokeswoman Kate Colbert in November on the brave new world of the NCEA: "Despite the months of preparation, with an operation this size there is bound to be the occasional glitch. But we expect to deal with any problems swiftly." For those who won't be going to university this year because they don't have quite enough literacy credits, occasional means infrequent and swiftly means quickly.

THE HAIR-BEAR BUNCH

It's all very well growing mad whiskers, donning beige trouser suits and silly hats, but generally the idea is to win when you turn out against Australia. But given that Twenty20 cricket appears to be a bit of a joke, their get-up seemed appropriate. But should the artists formerly known as the Black Caps now be called the Towelling Heads?

QUEER TIMES

Would the fundraising game called Drown A Bigot, featuring a rough caricature of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki atop a replica Harbour Bridge, in the Labour Party tent at the Big Gay Out last weekend qualify as hate speech under Labour's hate speech bill? Or is this sort of thing all right as long as they're a religious group whose views you disagree with?

KNICKERS TO THAT

And here I was thinking the whole point of hipster jeans was that you could see the underwear. But no, I read this week where an Invercargill woman (now appropriately living in sophisticated, cultural Gold Coast) has invented a solution: backless briefs. Sadly, she hasn't named them after her sister, Amanda Crack.

THEY'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH, JOHN

It's bad enough that all those poor buggers died for a windswept strip of land in the middle of nowhere that was, as it turned out, of no strategic importance. But inflicting John Farnham on the memories of Gallipoli's dead is about as clever as the original invasion plan. We know Australians lack culture, but surely even they, in the morning and at the going down of the sun, can find a better use for plod-rockers past their prime. Maybe a gig at the next commemoration for the Bali bombings. They could get Farnham to play that song of his, you know the one called Seemed Like A Good Idea.