Festive season: A weta's got my Jandal

A Kiwi parody of a classic Christmas poem that has hurtled round the world via email is stirring up memories for homesick expats, but its popularity has surprised its author.

Written by Auckland comedian Penny Ashton, A Kiwi Xmas is based on the poem The Night before Christmas. Instead of the classic prose, her version is littered with kiwiana, featuring weta, Eden Park, Fanta and Kingswoods.

The concept is not new - last year the verse was adapted and released by Yvonne Morrison as a children's book called The Kiwi Night before Christmas. It quickly became a Christmas best-seller.

But Ms Ashton's electronically friendly version has touched a wider audience. Since she posted it on her website (www.hotpink.co.nz) three weeks ago, it has travelled the globe.

Some people have reported receiving it four or five times from different friends throughout the world.

"I really am surprised, but that's fantastic. Amazing how far things can go over the internet, isn't it?" Ms Ashton said yesterday.

The only feedback she had received was from the Hastings Public Library staff, who wrote saying they wanted to publish it on their website.

From Sydney, former Hamiltonian Wendy Valois said she loved the poem "because it made me nostalgic for all the things that make New Zealand home".

"A sure sign that I'm homesick must be that I started checking out websites to show my partner what a weta looks like, and reminiscing about finding those big ones in our garage when I was a child."

Ms Valois originally received the poem from New Zealand but forwarded it to Kiwi friends in Australia and Britain.

"I also sent it on to some of my Aussie friends. While they didn't know what a weta was, and I had to explain words like jandals and pohutukawa, they got the general idea of it and had a good laugh."

Unaware of the Yvonne Morrison book, Ms Ashton wrote her poem several months ago as an audition piece for Christmas in the Park. But organisers thought the audience's attention span might not extend to poetry.


Kiwi Xmas


'Twas the Night before Xmas and all through the bach
Not even a weta was making a scratch
Woolly socks were hung by the pot belly with care
In the hopes that Santa soon would be there
The children were snoozing in a light summer's breeze
Whilst dreaming of spongy pud and lime green cream freeze
And dad in his walk shorts and me in my Jandals
Had just settled down for a couple of handles
When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus
I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was
I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing
Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians
The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp
Lit the beach up just like Eden Park
But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep
A miniature Kingswood, pulled by eight tiny sheep
With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta
I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa
Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came
And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name
Now, Kevin! Now, Sharlene! Now, Rangi and Beck!
On, Darryl! On Shazza! On, Bilbo and Shrek!
To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall
Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, all!
As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly
When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky
So up to the top of the bach they flew
With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too
With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof
Four Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs
And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge
Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound
He was wearing boardshorts, and gumboots on foot
And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot
A bundle of toys he had on his back
As if on OE with a brand new Macpac
He looked like he'd come from the beauty parlour
With rosy red cheeks like pohutukawa
A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair
With wee little tufts growing out of his ears
He had a broad chest and a round beer gut
That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn't stop it
He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up
And I quickly realised he wasn't a nut
He went straight to the socks without saying a thing
And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings
Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch
He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash
He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition
And then they took off, like some Nasa mission
But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all, have a bloody good night!"