Dr John D. Clark: Teach parents lessons first

To spank or not to spank has been the question for as long as I can remember. From the time we first had children in the 70s, there was a fierce debate over the issue and the protagonists were the same groups we see today - liberal lefties on the one hand and hard-nosed Christians "fundies" on the other.

In the 70s, the choices were black-and-white - you either went down the Spock pathway and let your child get away with everything or you did something. And the only option available if you wanted to do something was to spank.

There were experts and seminars and booklets and brochures available giving instructions how best to spank.

Over the years, not only have we learned a lot more about parenting (you can't avoid it when you are bringing up four boisterous children) but we have also been involved in parenting programmes.

Gradually we have learned that there is no one answer to the challenges of parenting - but there are a few important principles.

Simply trying to deal with undesirable behaviour is like trying to bolt the stable door after the horse has bolted. Parents need to start with learning to meet the child's emotional needs for acceptance and nurture from the beginning.

Often, when giving advice to parents on handling their child's misbehaviour, I have instructed the parents to ignore the behaviour (if possible) and concentrate on meeting the child's emotional needs. This is called filling the child's emotional tank.

Nine times out of ten I find that once the parent starts to effectively meet the child's emotional needs, the misbehaviour vanishes.

We have found, for parents wanting to deal with undesirable behaviour in their children, it is best to offer them more strings to their bow than just spanking.

This includes such things as rewarding desirable behaviour, planned ignoring (which avoids attention-seeking behaviour), as well as natural or logical consequences.
Our children, now parents themselves, have nothing against spanking but, because they are aware of the effective alternatives, do not need to resort to it.

When parents are given these tools, the incidence of spanking drops and is rarely resorted to.

What many parents find so repulsive is a parliament trying to legislate how to bring up their kids. It looks very much like their authority and right to choose what they believe is best for their children is being taken away.

It appears that parents are going to be told how to raise their kids largely by those who have never taken on the task in the first place. (Just check how many politicians who are in the "anti-smacking" party have raised kids).

If politicians are concerned about spanking they need to promote positive parenting programmes and fund them so that every parent has the right to attend at least one basic programme sometime before their child starts school.

We talk about education being better to avoid the misuse of drugs than punitive legislation. We talk about education being important in bringing down the road toll for young adults, rather than raising the driving age. We talk about sex education being important to reduce teenage pregnancies and STDs.

I think it's time politicians started talking seriously about effective parenting education rather than rushing to bring in laws that would have the effect of not only disempowering parents but also of turning good parents into criminals.

* John D. Clark is a GP of 32 years experience, a father of four and a grandfather of four who has been involved, with his wife, in teaching parenting for 20 years.