2005: Service above, beyond and below the call of duty

The year was dominated by the general election so it should come as no surprise that the big winner was Helen Clark, still Prime Minister and victor in the big prize, the Hair Stylists' Cup for most new looks in a single year.

That means we'll be able to see lots more new-look Clarks in the coming months because the trophy carries with it six free hairstyles, two tints of her choice and, in case she might be thinking about retirement, a nice blue rinse and perm.

On top of that, our leader will get a free manicure to go with the Single Digit Trophy, presented by the Manicurists Association, for hanging on to power by her fingernails (or should that be fingernail?).

Clark also achieved a unique double, winning the RSA Medal for tirelessly travelling the world to take part in wreath-laying ceremonies commemorating New Zealand warriors killed in war, and the Peace Council Award for winding down the armed forces so there won't be any more New Zealand warriors (other than rugby league teams).


Utterly stuffed

Finance Minister Michael Cullen was another big winner, his taxcut-free 2005 Budget earning him the magnificent Taxidermist Trophy, a superbly stuffed weasel, plus a special award jointly presented by the University Students Association and the Liquor Industry Council for the year's most audacious bribe.

On the downside, however, he had actually been awarded the Fiscal Frugality Plate but, following his election briberama, judge Ruth Richardson changed her mind and decided no one deserved the trophy after all.

New Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters collected the Christmas Decoration Manufacturers Star - a twinkling pink one - for services to the bauble industry and the Treason Cup for efforts to promote friendship with the United States.


Corned beef for all

National Party leader Don Brash also did well, collecting the Hiwi Tauroa Cup for services to race relations and the Feminists Vase for conspicuous gallantry in a debate.

The Brash family will be delighted to share his other winnings, the Watties Fruit Bowl and a year's supply of corned beef for his services to the nutrition industry, and the Footwear Industry Trophy plus a dozen pairs of Jandals for his efforts to promote the efficacy of flip-flops.

Brash was perhaps unlucky to be pipped by the Black Caps who - with their amazing performance in the second one-day match against Australia - for the second year in a row won the hotly contested Choker Trophy for snatching defeat from the very jaws of victory.

But there was consolation when his finance spokesman, John Key, was declared Most Promising Newcomer for his marvellous offer of tax cuts all round. The title of Most Promising Latecomer naturally went to Cullen.


Open wide

The Slazenger Prize for innovative product use and the Orthodontists Trophy both went, as expected, to Cabinet minister David Benson-Pope (though he has asked us to record that he turned down the additional prize of a gross of tennis balls).

The Tui Tankard for making a difference went once again to Auckland City Mayor Dick Hubbard.

Completing the politicians' dominance of the prizelist, High Commissioner to London Jonathan Hunt won the Jenny Craig Award for weight loss in the service of the nation. The rival Atkins Trophy for innovative weight loss went to Norm Hewitt.

Still, at least this year's Clarkson Gauche Golden Ball for the best cameo role on the political scene went to an outsider, Vivienne D'Or, for her flying visit to Tauranga during the election campaign.

The King Canute Memorial Buoy went to Reserve Bank Governor Alan Bollard for his efforts to stop the Great Kiwi Spendathon.

Bollard also came close to collecting the REINZ wooden spoon for disservice to the property boom. But in the end the spoon went jointly to Pierre and Jackie Chatelanat (don't they know you can make millions by subdividing coastal property and selling it off?).

Apart from the politicians, the big winners this year were mostly from the entertainment industry.


100 per cent pure

Marc Ellis collected a special award from the Ministry of Health for showing that public nudity, illicit drug taking and real fruit breakfast drinks can enhance your lifestyle.

Ellis and Brent Todd collected certificates from the Pharmaceutical Association, and a year's supply of the pharmaceutical product of their choice, for amazing on-screen chemistry.

The Boxing Federation Award for best security at a party appears to have been awarded to Scribe and the lads at the Dirty Records label but unusually for such a publicity-hungry industry no one was available to comment.

The Winston Peters Name-dropping and Back-slapping Cup for most star cameos was won by bro'Town.

The Police Commissioner's Award for services to the metal industry - the death metal industry that is - went to Constable Rigel Walshe from Dawn of Azazel.


Quick, before it vanishes

The Rick Moranis Miniature for outstanding shrinking is shared this year by Paul Holmes (so there's no misunderstanding, we're referring to the audience shrinking) and TVNZ's outstanding combination of Ian Fraser and Bill Ralston.

The Salvation Army Op Shop Award for generosity in donating other people's clothes goes to TVNZ.

The CTU Trophy for the person making the biggest contribution to boosting pay rates during the year went, predictably, to Susan Wood, and was personally presented to her by last year's winner, Judy Bailey, at her farewell party.

The Tuku Morgan Bronze Underpants for creative use of a credit card go to Rongo Wetere for using his card to withdraw some $40,000 in cash because, it seems, Cubans don't understand how credit cards work.


Field of dreams

Sports people didn't do quite so well this year but a few will get their chance to take the stage and curtsy.

Jerry Collins collected the Ghengis Khan Memorial Sword for striking fear into the hearts of the enemy.

The Horatio Nelson Bicentennial Telescope for winning against all the odds was collected by the Kiwi rugby league team for their amazing defeat of the Kangaroos.

The Jim Anderton Award for job creation went to Sir Clive Woodward for hiring enough coaches for 16 teams to look after a Lions squad which was only half there, while the Richard Prebble Trophy for job elimination was awarded to Graham Henry for producing two All Black teams with only one set of coaching staff.

The Al Capone Memorial Concrete Overcoat for best massacre goes to the Gulf Harbour Golf Club for not allowing sentiment to get in the way of bumping off Daphne the Duck and her pals.

And, to end on an appropriately royal note, the Mike Hosking Cup for most forgettable performance in 2005 goes to Prince Charles for ... or was it 2004 that he paid his visit?