Jethro Gaffar has been in pain since a car ran over him last July, crushing his ribs and lungs and putting him into a coma.
"I've not had a night's sleep since this accident," said the 48-year-old father of two, also known as Dave.
He lost his job as a yard hand in a container storage company after the crash, and doctors recently told him he may never be able to go back to work.
"I feel useless. I can't do anything and I feel it's my fault I can't provide," he told Open Justice.
He never asked to be run over, he said at the sentencing of the elderly driver behind the wheel, Margaret Fauchelle.
"What this has caused myself and my family, the hardship, you just have no idea," he told her, struggling to stand on one crutch.
Fauchelle, 82, appeared from home via videolink, her in-person attendance excused by the court on account of her age and heart problems.
Gaffar is angry that Fauchelle has never shown up in court, while he has made the trek to court on crutches every single time.
She also dialled into their restorative justice meeting online.
Life was just beginning to look up for Gaffar when the crash changed everything on July 30, 2021.
He was unemployed but had just started working at a storage company as a contractor, earning a decent wage. The family was about to move into a new rental home.
He was riding on his motorbike along Hobsonville Rd in West Auckland when Fauchelle crashed into him while leaving church.
She was trying to turn right across two lanes of traffic but a truck parked on her side of the road partially blocked her view.
She pulled out and caused Gaffar to strike the rear passenger door of her BMW, knocking him under the car.
In a panic, she accelerated and her car rolled over his body before crashing into a fence on the other side of the road.
Gaffar suffered "extreme, life-threatening injuries", Community Magistrate Fenella Thomas said, reading from the summary of facts at the Waitakere District Court.
After the accident he was in a coma for more than a week, his lung collapsed, ribs fractured and pelvis broken.
Steel plates were inserted in his ribs, he lost a kidney and his spleen, and now suffers from constant pain, poor vision, and bad memory.
"I spent six weeks in hospital dealing with the worst pain and ordeal I've ever had," he said in his victim impact statement, briefly read out in court by the magistrate.
"For a long time I couldn't do anything; shower, or clean myself up after going to the toilet."
When he was in a coma, the rental he had signed up for was let to the next person in the queue, he said.
That was the start of seven months of homelessness. Gaffar, his partner and their two boys stayed with family at first but eventually had to move out because of the stress of living in close quarters.
They could not find a permanent home and moved from one place to another, chalking up $40,000 in Airbnb bills, which they paid using donations they received through Givealittle.
They said it was impossible to find a place to stay during lockdown and the family had no choice but to use Airbnb accommodation, paying a lot, especially over Christmas.
They had dogs, Magistrate Thomas said, which made it difficult to get accommodation through Work and Income.
Unable to work due to his injuries, Gaffar had no income and had to sell his car - a special edition Holden Commodore - an e-scooter, his kids' toys, an iPad and other possessions to pay the bills.
The family of four finally managed to find a house in March, selling Gaffar's Harley Davidson and some belongings to pay the rent, but they are now behind.
Gaffar could not get help for lost income from ACC after the accident because he had no proof of income, and the court could not order reparations for the same reason.
Thomas also did not order reparations for the $40,000 Airbnb bills because the family could have found normal accommodation instead, she said.
But she acknowledged the "extreme trauma" he had suffered, the effects of which are ongoing and impairing his quality of life.
For that, she ordered Fauchelle pay an emotional harm reparation of $10,000.
Fauchelle will also pay another $4457 to cover the cost of storing the family's belongings when they were homeless, and was disqualified from driving for six months.
The court declined her application for name suppression, but granted her request not to be photographed, with Thomas saying it was "unnecessarily intrusive given her age".
Gaffar left the courtroom before the hearing was over, distraught and angry at a sentence that did little to make up for what he and his family have gone through, he said.
"I can never work again in my life," he said. "She rammed me over because she didn't look when she pulled out, and she's still allowed to drive her car. I can't ride a bike.
"I can't play with my kids. I can't make love to my wife," he said, leaning on his crutch as he walked away from the courthouse.
"Do you know how this makes me feel? I'm not a real man," he said, his voice breaking. "I wish I'd died."
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