Robinson before and after the surgery. Photo / Supplied
Robinson before and after the surgery. Photo / Supplied
WARNING: This story references suicide, mental health issues and eating disorders. Medical student and book influencer Grace Robinson spent years battling an eating disorder. She sat down with the Herald's In The Loop podcast to discuss her experience with eating disorders, weight loss surgery and stigma in the healthcare system.
For years Grace Robinson silently fought an eating disorder.
It started in her first year at university when she was living away from home in a hall, was falling behind in class and had developed depression.
Once it dawned on her that she might not make it into second-year medicine, Robinson told the Herald's In the Loop podcast she began stashing food under her bed, binge eating and became suicidal.
"I actually couldn't stop myself, even if I felt really awful afterwards, which I almost always did, or I didn't have money to afford it, it was easy, it was quick and it made me feel good for a short period of time. And that was what I was looking for.
"My days mostly consisted of eating and sleeping, kind of like a baby but not as cute ... Really I would sleep for 15, 16 hours."
Thankfully Robinson, who now runs the popular Hoes for Prose book review Instagram, said she had a strong support system around her and would call her mum regularly. Still, she was scared of her own thoughts and what she'd do if left to her own devices.
During this time she said people struggled to put her depression and food issues together, instead, they looked at them as separate problems.
She recalls even her doctors never established a link between her dramatic weight gain and her ongoing depression.
"Eating disorders can literally affect anybody, you cannot tell by the way someone may look what eating disorder someone might have. You can't tell by how old they are, what sex they are, it really is universal."
By the end of her fourth year at university, Robinson realised the sadder she got, the more she couldn't stop eating unhealthy food.
Despite trying multiple diets and exercising, Robinson said she was unable to lose weight and eventually said it got to the point where she was unable to exercise.
"If your goal is to lose [a significant amount of weight], the time it takes to do that requires you to almost put your life on hold for an entire year."
Robinson before and after the surgery. Photo / Supplied
Now, as a medical student, Robinson said she can't understand why doctors are asking people to shift that kind of weight.
"I don't think most people in society wouldn't actually be able to do that, given all the resources that we're offering in healthcare."
Reflecting on her own experience, Robinson said if people were worried about changes in a loved one's habits, it's okay for them to reach out.
"Often it's a relief to that person, it feels like you're the only one that knows about it, and that you're alone in dealing with that. I felt like that for many years.
"This is not just 'me' problem, it's not that I'm lazy, it's not that I'm broken, I was sick you know. And I shouldn't have been expected to deal with something like that by myself."
Then two years ago, she made the decision to undergo weight loss surgery.
"I had gastric sleeve [surgery] so that essentially means they turn your stomach into a tiny little pouch. So I think I lost about, my surgeon said about, 85 per cent of my stomach and that's permanent."
Grace Robinson before and after the surgery. Photo / Supplied
Following the surgery, her eating was majorly restricted, and during the first year, she said she was eating about four tablespoons of food each meal.
However, the procedure wasn't the end of her food struggles.
Robinson again began to binge and also purge, partly she said, because of the positive feedback around her weight and also wanting to continue with her life and past eating behaviour.
"I would overeat on purpose, knowing that my new stomach couldn't take it, and end up vomiting up that new food. And that's still something I'm dealing with now, I'm not fixed."
Much of this came from a fear of regaining the weight back.
"A lot of people, the first thing they'd tell me about my surgery was, 'oh yeah I know someone that's had that they ended up gaining a lot of the weight back', like they're very quick to tell me it's not a good fix."
Because being thin was a "societal norm" for beauty, she said, some people had a "gut response" to her having the operation.
"People see it as an easy fix, like that I've taken the easy fix and they want to take me down a couple [of] pegs."
Eating Disorder Association (EDANZ) chairwoman Nicki Wilson told the podcast that eating disorders can affect people from all backgrounds.
"That is not necessarily well-known even amongst our health professionals who deserve education and knowledge and support that they don't currently receive."
These often long-held misconceptions can cause many to slip through the cracks and remain undiagnosed, she said.
"Eating disorders do not discriminate."
Grace Robinson now. Photo / File
Besides disordered eating, Robinson also suffered significant hair loss following the procedure and had a lot of excess skin, which she had surgically removed later.
As a medical student, she believes her first-hand experience with mental health issues, an eating disorder and going through the medical system helps her relate to patients and not judge people based on how they look.
"It's sort of one of the only spheres of medicine that I've noticed that when a patient says 'I don't want to talk about it', we sort of go 'I know better than you'.
"We just often put the onus on the patient and say you are too fat, you need to be skinnier, work out a way to do that. And I think this experience has really helped me frame that in a way that's more collaborative and brings that patient on board."
When she was initially dealing with an eating disorder, Robinson told the podcast she hadn't heard of binge eating, except for in people who suffered from bulimia, and her disorder wasn't picked up. No one asked why she had been gaining weight so quickly.
While Robinson said the surgery was "life-changing" she acknowledged how privileged she'd been, as the surgery is financially out of reach for many.
"I feel really passionately [because], this surgery has done so much good for me and I feel like there needs to be so much more resources for this to be done publicly. There's a disparity that exists in those that are obese, especially in terms of income, at the moment most bariatric surgery is private."
Do you need help? Get in touch with Eating Disorders Association of New Zealand if you need help finding a private provider in your area by phoning Ph 0800 2 EDANZ or emailing info@ed.org.nz
If you need urgent help, reach out to your GP or local mental health provider. Or if you need to talk to someone else: • LIFELINE: 0800 543 354 or 09 5222 999 within Auckland (available 24/7) • YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633 ,free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat. • NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7) • KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
In the Loop is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. This is a special Deep Dive episode - regular episodes come out every Friday morning
