KEY POINTS:
Ork-lunders reckon they are slick multi-taskers. The men can make a lychee martini, apply face-softening cream, study the futures market and talk on two or three cellphones. All at once, too.
A typical bumper sticker on a go-get-'em Ork-lund man's car is: "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
Ork-lund women are also pretty clever. They can drive with lipstick, a latte, and cellphone in one hand - while using the other to rummage through a handbag for anti-ageing lotion. Simple. They steer with their knees.
A typical Ork-lund woman might change her bumper sticker to suit her moods.
Some examples: "I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun." "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?" "My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips." "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality." "So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?" "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed." "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose." "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."
Ork-lunders have their own road rules. They make them up as they go. The Ork-lund Drive to Survive Guide is designed to aid tourists and can be found only on this page at this time of year. Expect amendments in 2007. Memo to American tourists: You are welcome while in Ork-lund to use the sticker: "If you can read this, you're not the President." Many Ork-lunders share your pain.
* Ork-lund men and women are colour-blind. Red and green and amber/yellow mostly. Studies blame constant exposure to traffic lights. Doctors fear the worst: the day when people don't/won't/can't recognise green, red and amber/yellow. The signs are there already. (See "never take a green light at face value"). Also, if your red car gets stolen while you are on holiday in Ork-lund, tell police it was green and it will be found. If your car is green and red, you will have to prove one colour is more dominant than the other. There are obvious problems here. Likely bumper sticker: "I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now."
* New tourist attractions in Ork-lund are high-rise car parks (get there early for the best spot), high-rise apartments on the waterfront, stacks of containers on the waterfront, and the new yachting marina north-east of the bridge on Tamaki Drive.
Don't confuse the apartments with the stacks of containers. There are similarities. Also, don't confuse the marina and its piers for the foundations for the 2011 Rugby World Cup stadium. There is no Rugby World Cup stadium. Not on the waterfront.
Anyone in a rugby tie and blazer driving a red or green used import van with the sticker "Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10" and selling $30 tickets to "see the foundation stones for the 2011 World Cup stadium" is suspect. Seek advice. Try council first.
* The many roadworks are also worth a visit. No need to stop your car to study them - they will be there next year. And the year after. Ripping up roads is a way of life in Ork-lund. So is counting the traffic lights. This is easy - some are only metres apart. Keep a record of the number, too. There will be many more in 2007-08.
Do a time and motion study while you're at it. Get the kids in the back seat involved. Example: how many cars go on green; how many on yellow; how many on red. Then: how many stop on green; how many on yellow; how many on red. Seek medical advice if colours start to merge. Phone council to compare your findings and theirs. Stickers to expect here: "If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it" or "If it isn't broken, fix it until it is."
* Caught in traffic? Do a U-turn. Ork-lunders do. Don't bother to indicate either - that's for sissies. (See "give way rules"). Remember Ork-lund's golden rule: turn signals give away your next move. There are bumper stickers for this: "Forget world peace; visualise using your turn signal" or "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?" If the driver in front of you has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect anyway. (See "three into two won't go").
* Another golden rule: Never take a green light at face value. Count to five first. It fits with another rule: the faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit by a car going on a green light. Simple, isn't it?
Also, never stop at an amber light - you will be rear-ended and/or abused. If this happens, displaying the bumper sticker "Keep on working, all those on social welfare depend on you" might help diffuse things. Do not display the sticker: "Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking." Also, there is an ugly rumour about four out of five cars on Ork-lund's roads being uninsured. Seek advice. Try city council first.
* High-speed tailgating on the Ork-lund motorway reduces petrol consumption - because you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front, dummy. Typical sticker? "I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol." Warning: back off from any vehicle with the stickers: "My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns" or "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
* The old basic maths poser that three into two won't go? It does in Ork-lund. Lane markings are there only to indicate you are driving on a mapped road. Crossing two or three lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow." If you are in the left lane and doing only 100km/h in a 100km/h zone, people are not waving when they go by. Neither are those who pass you on the inside of an inside lane. Typical sticker: "Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle."
* Never leave a safe distance between you and the car in front - someone else will fill in that space. Braking comes in here, too. It must be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS anti-lock system kicks in. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. This also helps to avoid deep vein thrombosis at traffic lights.
Suitable sticker here: "Watch out for the idiot behind me." Avoid: "Jesus loves you. But I'm his favourite."
* Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are not enforceable during rush hour. Rush hour in Ork-lund begins the day before. Monday's rush hour starts on Sunday morning and so on. Get it? Remember, too, that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour. Especially in a four-wheel-drive. Suitable sticker: "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."
* Learn to swerve abruptly. Ork-lund is the home of high-speed slalom driving, thanks to city councils who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes. There is some opposition to the suggestion that council vehicles from now on carry the sticker: "Chaos, panic, and disorder - our work here is done.
* Give way rules are like speed limits - suggestions only. If you are turning left and the vehicle coming towards you is turning right, who cares? Ork-lunders like "Who dares wins" best. Avoid the sticker: "I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure."
* Heavy rain is no reason to change any of the above rules. Such rain is Ork-lund's - and God's - way of ensuring a natural selection process for panelbeaters, scrapyards, and new-car sales. Suitable sticker: "If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?"
