Dominic George: Who wouldn t you help in a scrap

Bubba Watson.

Masters Monday means just one thing at Farming Show HQ - a late arrival into the office for one A J Mackay. He pre-warned me on Friday that if it was a close finish at Augusta he wouldn't be in until the conclusion, as per tradition.

When I checked the leaderboard and saw that the young American Jordan Speith was maintaining the healthy lead he'd had since Friday I thought we may possibly see Jamie in earlier than usual. Alas, an email was sent to me saying simply, "Jordan needs me". Like a hole in the head mate. Sure enough Speith won and while many are claiming his victory was a golfing master-class, it was hardly the Black Caps v South Africa in the Cricket World Cup in terms of sporting drama.

What I found far more compelling were the results of an anonymous ESPN poll that were revealed just before the tournament began. Defending champion and two-time green jacket winner Bubba Watson was voted by his fellow players as the person they'd be least likely to help in a fight. It was a great poll question and we need more of that ilk from broadcasters in the future, perhaps at the expense of gems such as, "how are you feeling ahead of ... ?", "the boys must be happy with that win?", or my personal favourite, "how's the mood in the camp?" The boys on Radio Sport's "The Sauce", D'Arcy Waldegrave and Goran Paladin, took the question to new and greater heights by applying said question to the station's hosts.

The last I heard Mark "Watto" Watson was the people's choice to be left abandoned if he were engaged in a pugilistic misdemeanour, closely followed by Veitchy.

I'd be sure to help the boys out if they were in a spot of bother, but then again I love a good scrap - always have. However, there are a few people I wouldn't come to the aid of. Needless to say I'd leave referees to cop a good hiding; in fact I'd probably stand there and cheer for the assailant!

If the driver of a road maggot parked his monstrosity of a vehicle, taking up numerous parking spots in the process, and was set upon by some ne'er-do-wells, I'd encourage it.

If I witnessed a traffic warden getting a clip around the ear from an aggrieved motorist, I'd be sorely tempted to ignore it completely, unless of course they were ticketing a road maggot!

And if David Warner, Brad Haddin and Glenn Maxwell were on the end of a good old fashioned beating, I'd probably run an impromptu book on it, offering odds as to which of the Aussie cricketers would be KO'd first. My money would be on Maxwell; anyone who gives themselves a nickname, let alone stealing it off a WWE superstar, deserves a good slap. Besides, his head would be so far up his own rear end he wouldn't see it coming.

I think Ian Healy's love child, Brad Haddin, would fight 'til the bitter end, but his distinct lack of class and constant talking would eventually see him summarily dispatched. Which leaves the pugnacious little Warner as last man standing. A likely result, but he'd still get his comeuppance and I wouldn't be there to help!

Incidentally, from what I've been hearing I don't suspect there'd be much intervention if a few of the big-wigs at Fonterra were being dealt to. In fact, I'd wager a fair few suppliers and shareholders may just try and get a few wee jabs in there themselves. It's open-season on the dairy giant at the moment and Central Hawke's Bay farmer Sarah von Dadelszen had some friendly advice for them on the Farming Show this week. She labelled Fonterra a beast out of control and said heads should surely roll on the back of a low payout coupled with a poor dividend. Her solution is for Fonterra to either get into the market and become marketers or accept they're simply sellers and cut out all the costs -- not a bob each way.

I bet she has a bit of support out there as well, unlike me at farming Show HQ, left to toil away while Jamie watches the golf. Still, no hard feelings - if Jamie were to once again get dragged out of a nightclub kicking and screaming, or get set upon during the Big Gay Out for wearing that "Red Top", I'd lend him my fists.